Buffy the Vampire Slayer, season 2, ep. 11 Quippy Quotes

"Ted" is not one of my favorite Buffy episodes, but John Ritter, who plays Ted, gives such a great performance. He plays the new man in Buffy's mom's life, and at first Buffy is wary of him because she doesn't like the idea of her mom having a man in her life who isn't Buffy's father. But then she becomes wary of Ted because he's not quite who or what he seems. This episode has a more serious feel than the preceding episodes, but it still has some funny lines.

Quotes:

Xander: You don't know what you're talking about.
Willow: Xander, he was obviously in charge.
Xander: He was a puppet. She was using him.
Willow: He didn't seem like the type of guy who would let himself be used.
Xander: That was her genius. He didn't even know he was playing second fiddle. Buffy...
Buffy: Huh?
Xander: Who was the real power, the Captain or Tennille?
Buffy: Um, who are these people?
Xander: The Captain and Tennille?! Boy, somebody was raised in a culture-free environment.

Xander: How is Angel? Pretend I care.

Buffy: Vampires are creeps.
Giles: Yes, that why one slays them.
Buffy: I mean, people are perfectly happy getting along, then vampires come, and they run around and they take over your whole house, and start making these stupid little mini-pizzas, and everyone's like, "Oh! I l like the mini-pizzas --"
Giles: Buffy, I believe the subtext here is rapidly becoming uh... uh text.

Xander: Having issues much?
Buffy: I am not!
Xander ("sing-songy") You're having parental issues! You're having parental issues!
Willow: Xander...
Xander: What? Freud would have said the exact same thing. Except he might not have done that little dance.

Xander (at the miniature golf course): Ah, the dreaded five-par cuckoo clock! So many have come, so few have conquered.

Neal (Ted's coworker): That guy is a genius. Knows everything about computers. Never loses a client. If I sound bitter, I am.

Willow: He started it.
Buffy: Yea. That defense only works in six-year-old court, Will.

Cordelia: I thought you liked him.
Xander: I sometimes like things that aren't good for me.

Xander: He's got to be in there, Will. A history of domestic violence, a criminal record... ooh, cookies!

Cordelia: She's like superman. Shouldn't there be different rules for her?
Willow: Sure, in a fascist society.
Cordelia: Right! Why can't we have one of those?

Buffy: What are you?
Ted: I'm a salesman. That's what you should have remembered. No matter how you put him down, a good salesman always bounces back.

Cordelia: Feels like home... if it's the fifties and you're psycho.

Ted: I don't take orders from women. I'm not wired that way.

Giles: I think I'm all right.
Jenny: No, you're just in shock.
Giles: No, really. I don't think it went in too deep. The advantages of layers of tweed. It's better than Kevlar.

Joyce: Do you want to rent a movie tonight?
Buffy: Sounds like fun.
Joyce: Just nothing with horror in it. Or romance. Or men.
Buffy: I guess we're Thelma and Louise-ing it again?
Joyce: Good call.