Buffy the Vampire Slayer, season 3, ep. 6, Quippy Quotes

"Band Candy" is one of those episodes that asks a simple "what if" question and runs with it. The question is this: What if all of the adults in Sunnydale ate candy bars being sold by students to raise money for new uniforms for the marching band that made them revert back to their teenage selves? Answer, Buffy has to be the adult to keep a demon from doing something unthinkable.

I love how Giles's perfect English accent turns to Cockney when he reverts to his younger self.

Giles: "Which of the following best expresses the theme of the passage? A) Violence breed violence; B) All things must end; C) --"
Buffy: B! I'm going with B. We haven't had a B in forever.
Giles: This is the S.A.T.s Buffy, not connect-the-dots. Please pay attention. A low score could seriously harm your chances of getting into college.
Buffy: Gee, thanks. That takes the pressure right off.
Giles: It isn't meant to be easy, you know. It's a rite of passage.
Buffy: Is it too late to join a tribe where they just pierce something or cut something off?

Buffy (after staking a vampire with her pencil): Hmm. I broke my number two pencil. We'll have to do this again sometime.
Giles: C) "All systems tend towards chaos."

Mr. Trick: It's a little out of my element, but I can get you what you need. I know a beast who knows a guy.

Buffy: And then I was being chased by an improperly filled-in answer bubble screaming "None of the above!"
Willow: Wow. I hope that wasn't one of your prophecy dreams. Probably not.

Willow: Oz is the highest scoring person ever to fail to graduate.
Buffy: Isn't she cute when she's proud.
Oz: She's always cute.

Xander: I hate they make us take that thing. It's totally fascist, and personally I think it discriminates against the highly uninformed.

Cordelia: Actually, I'm looking forward to it. I do well on standardized tests. What? I can't have layers?

Principal Snyder: You will sell it to raise money for the marching band.They need new uniforms.
Xander: Yea, those tall fuzzy hats ain't cheap, huh?
Oz: But they go with everything.

Joyce: But you're not in the band.
Buffy: And yet...

Joyce: Buffy, what would I do with 40 chocolate bars?
Buffy: You could hand them out at the gallery. "Buy something pre-Columbian, get a free cavity."

Angel: How did you get away?
Buffy: It was easy. Started a fire in the prison laundry room. Rode out in the garbage truck.
Angel: Oh.
Buffy: I'm joking. No garbage.

Buffy: It's Giles's turn to watch study hall. He'll be here. He's allergic to late.

Willow: We're raising a lot of money for the band.
Xander: The band. Yea. They're great. They march.
Willow: Like an army. Except with music instead of bullets. And... usually no one dies.

Cordelia: Where is Giles? I'm bored, and he's not here to give me credit for it.

Snyder: Everybody expects me to do everything around here 'cause I'm the principal. It's not fair.

Joyce: Take the car, and Mr. Giles can drive me home.
Buffy: What? Excuse me, I meant what?!
Joyce: Keys. Take them.
Buffy: You don't have to tell me twice. Well, actually you did, but... Bye!
Buffy: I think she wanted me otherwhere.

Joyce: You like Seals and Croft?
[Giles give her a look]
Joyce: Yea, me neither.

Willow: Are you okay, Ms. Barton?
Ms. Barton: Oh, I'm cool Willow. Willow... that's a tree. Huh. You're a tree. Yea, are there any nachos in here, little tree?

Snyder: Call me Snyder. Just a last name, like... Barbarino.

Willow: I don't like this. They could have heart attacks.

Willow: They're acting like a bunch of...
Buffy: They're acting like a bunch of us.

Buffy: No vampire has ever been that scary.

Snyder: Whoa, Summers! You drive like a spaz!

Joyce (to Giles): You're so cool. You're like Burt Reynolds.

Oz: Something's happening. Someplace that's else.

Buffy: You guys get Xander and Cordelia. Go to the library and look it up.
Oz: Candy curses?
Willow: Disturbing second childhoods. Got it.

Snyder: Hey, Brit-face, wait up!

Xander: I don't get this. The candy's supposed to make you all immature and stuff, but I've had a ton and I don't feel any dif... Never mind.

Buffy: Look, a box full of farm-fresh chicken.

Giles: He's lying. Hit him!
Buffy: I don't think he is, and shut up!
Giles: You're my slayer. Go knock his teeth down his --
Buffy: Giles! (to Ethan) What demon?
Ethan: I don't remember.
[Buffy hits Ethan]
Giles: Yes!

Buffy: Which brings us to the bonus question, and believe me when I say a wrong answer will cost you all your points.

Snyder (to Ethan): She whupped you good, huh?

Giles: "Larconis dwells beneath the city, filth to filth."
Buffy: What?
Giles: Ooh, I know this.  Uh, I knew this.

Trick: You and me, girl. There's hard times ahead.
[leaves]
Buffy: They never just leave. Always gotta say something.

Joyce: Can we go home now?
Buffy: Yea, we can go home. I got the S.A.T.s tomorrow.
Joyce: Oh, blow them off. I'll write you note.
Buffy: No. It's okay.

Xander: Hey, Snyder. Heard you had some fun Friday night. Have you come down yet?
Principal Snyder: That's Principal Snyder.
Xander: And that's a big "yep."

Willow: "Kiss rocks"? Why would anyone want to kiss... Oh, wait. I get it.

Buffy: It was just too much to deal with. It was like nothing made sense anymore. The things that I thought I understood were gone. I just felt... so alone.
Giles: Was that the math or the verbal?
Buffy: Mostly the math.