Buffy, the Vampire Slayer: season 3, ep. 17, Quippy Quotes

It's been a while since I've had a good binge-watch of Buffy, the Vampire Slayer. As I've been watching some of my favorite episodes, I remembered how quotable the show is. Well, I guess I never really forgot, but I decided it's time to start posting Buffy quotes again.

So, picking up where I left off so long ago, on to season 3's episode, "Enemies."

This episode has one of the best "I didn't see that coming" moments. If you've never seen the episode before, I envy you the thrill of that twist, because after you've seen it, you'll never get that "whaaaaat?" moment ever again. It's kind of like after you see The Sixth Sense the first time, you'll never look at Bruce Willis's character the same the next time you watch it.

If you've yet to see this episode, I recommend that you don't read the rest of this post, because there are ***Spoilers ahead.*** Just come back after you've watched the episode.

I'm going to repeat this ***Spoiler ahead. *** Don't read the rest of the post until you've seen the episode. I really don't want to ruin the surprise. Okay, you've been warned. It's not my fault if you don't head my warning. *wink*

Two important things happen in "Enemies:" 1) Buffy and the Scooby gang discover that Faith has slipped over to the dark side, and 2) Angelus returns.

Yes, this episode gave David Boreanaz the chance to inhabit the character of Angelus again, which means he can show a different emotion other than aloofness, internal torment, and angst. David has some great subtle expressions after the Shaman takes his soul away, where you can glimpse Angel behind the mask, being tormented by what he has to do. When the Mayor takes the letter opener out of his hand that Angelus just threw at him, and the wound heals instantly, you can see Angel’s look of discomfort and surprise. Angelus never would have reacted like that. Or, when he is chaining Buffy to the wall, there's a look that passes between them, as if he's saying, "Sorry."

Speaking of Angel's personality in Buffy (when he isn't Angelus), how do you play a character who is a 200ish year-old Irish vampire who has tortured and killed for centuries, who gets his soul back when he's cursed by a gypsy, and is immediately racked with guilt for all of the horrible things he's done? It isn't like you can rely on The Method for that. *wink*

Quotes:

Angel: I'm sorry. I wanted to take you out somewhere fun. It's been a long time since I've been to the movies. They've changed.

Angel: Feels nice – to feel.

Demon: Ow! What are you, nuts? Going around punching people?

Buffy: People?

Demon: So, what, I’m a demon. That makes it okay?

Mayor: And what exactly did this demon look like?

Faith: Demonic.

Mayor: First, you load up on calcium, you find that demon, kill the heck out of him, and bring the books to me.

Mayor: Oh, come on, drink up. There’s nothing uncool about healthy teeth and bones.

Wesley: And you say this demon wanted cash? That's very unusual.

Giles: Demons wanting money. What ever happened to the still-beating heart of a virgin? No one has any standards anymore.

Giles: There's a reference here to the journal of Desmond Kane, pastor of a town called Sharpsville. "May 26, 1723. Tomorrow is the Ascension. God help us all." It was the last anyone heard.

Wesley: Of Kane?

Giles: Of Sharpsville.

Cordelia: What are you doing Friday night?

Wesley: Uh, uh, as always my sacred duty as a Watcher prevents me from... Why?

Cordelia: I have a paper to write for English, and you're English, so I thought...

[at everyone's looks]

Cordelia: What? Is it so wrong to be getting an insider's perspective?

[to Wesley]

Cordelia: I study best in a good restaurant, around eightish? Think it over?

[she leaves]

Xander: And on the day the words "flimsy excuse" were redefined, we stood in awe and watched.

Angel: It’s okay.

Faith: No, it’s a couple of counties over from okay.

Mayor: There's more than one way to skin a cat. And I happen to know that's factually true.

Wesley: Find anything?

Giles: Six course banquet of nothing with a scoop of sod all as a palette cleanser.

Wesley: Wait for Faith.

Buffy: That could be hours. The girl makes Godot look punctual.

Xander: Found your demon. I beat it out of Willie the Snitch personally.

Buffy: You beat up Willie?

Xander: Sure. Well, actually, let’s just say I applied some pressure. Or more accurately, that I asked politely, and then… Okay, I bribed him.

Buffy: How much?

Xander: Twenty-eight bucks. Does the council reimburse for that kind of stuff?

Giles: Did you get a receipt?

Buffy: It's down by the bus station. Not the nicest part of town.

Giles: Again, see? No standards. Any self-respecting demon should be living in a pit of filth or a nice crypt.

Buffy: I went to Angel's last night, and Faith was there. They looked sort of... intimate.

Willow: No way. I know what you're thinking, and no way.

Buffy: You're right. Faith would never do that.

Willow: Faith would totally do that. Faith was built to do that. She's the "do that" girl.

Buffy: Comfort, remember? Comfort here.

Willow: I mean, please. Does Angel come up to Faith's standards for a guy? Let's see... is he breathing?

Buffy: Actually, no.

Willow: Buffy, I too know the love of a taciturn man, and you have to look at their actions.

Buffy: I was.

Faith: You wanna be smart, you listen to me.

Angel: Funny thing about vampires, Faith. We don’t establish meaningful dialogue with slayers.

Wesley: We seem consistently to be one step behind him. Now he has the Books of Ascension. We must take definitive action.

Cordelia: You have the greatest voice. Have you ever thought of doing books on tape?

Xander: Way to stay focused, C.C.

Buffy: I’ll go home and stock on weapons. Slip into something a little more “break-and-enterish.”

Giles: Wesley, why don’t you take the group and start looking.

Cordelia: I’m in Wesley’s group.

Wesley: Right.

Giles: There is just the one group.

Cordelia: Yes. And I’m in it.

Mayor: No trouble with the transition? No side effects?

Angel: Had a soul. Now I’m free.

Mayor: That’s terrific! Poetic too. Not that I read much poetry. Except for the little ones in Reader Digest. You know, some of them are quite catchy.

Mayor: My question is, now that Faith has brought you back, what are your intentions?

Angel: Well, gee, sir, I thought I’d find that slayer that’s giving you so much trouble and torture, maim, and kill her.

Mayor: Fine. You know, it’s nice to see you’re not one of those slacker types running around town today.

Mayor (to Angel, regarding Faith): Try to have her home by eleven.

Angel: You know, I never properly thanked you for sending me to Hell.

Buffy: No...

Angel: Yeah, and I'm just wonderin', where do I start? A card, fruit basket, hmm? Evisceration?

Buffy: Faith, listen to me. Angel’s a killer. When he’s done with me, he’ll turn on you.

Angel: She’s right. I probably will.

Faith: No one can stop the Ascension. Mayor's got it wired, B. He built this town for demons to feed on, and come graduation day, he's gettin' paid. And I'll be sittin' at his right hand - assuming he has hands after the transformation, I'm not too clear on that part.

Buffy: I never knew you had so much rage in you.

Faith: What can I say? I'm the world's best actor.

Angel: Second best.

Willow: His debt to you is repaid? What did you do?

Giles: I introduced him to his wife.

Willow: At least Angel’s not bad, though. That’s good, right?

Xander: Yes. I feel so much better knowing that he broke my face in a good way. It’s a good bruise.

Mayor: I've got two words that are gonna make all the pain go away. Miniature. Golf.

Angel: You still my girl?

Buffy: Always.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: season 3, ep. 16, Quippy Quotes

Vampire Willow is back in "Doppelgangland." Anya recruits Willow to help her use magic to get her amulet back so she can become a demon again. Instead of bringing back the amulet, they bring Vamp Willow into their world that we met in the alternate universe in "The Wish."

This is a great Willow-centric episode, and one of my all time favorites. Willow feels like everyone thinks she's boring and predictable, and people treat her like a doormat. When she has to pretend to be vampy Willow to save everyone in the Bronze from vampires, she takes on the role with a little trepidation, but then she puts all she has into the role. My favorite moment in the entire episode is when our Willow, pretending to be vampy Willow, gives a little smile and wave to Oz in the Bronze to let him know it's her.

Anya is also back, we can never get enough of Anya, and her wonderful "humanness."

Quotes:

Anya: For a 1,000 years I wielded the powers of the wish. I brought ruin to the heads of unfaithful men. I brought forth destruction and chaos for the pleasures of the lower beings. I was feared and worshipped across the mortal globe. And now I'm stuck at Sunnydale High. Mortal. Child. And I'm flunking math.

Anya: Do you know how boring 12th graders are?

Buffy: The Watcher Council shrink is heavy into tests. He's got tests for everything. T.A.T.s, Rorschach, associative logic. He even has that test to see if you're crazy, that asks if you've ever heard voices, or if you ever wanted to be a florist.
Willow: Ooh, I used to want... Wait. Florist means crazy, right? I never wanted to do that.

Willow: How come the sudden calisthenics? Aren't you sort of naturally buff, Buff? (laughs) Buff, Buff.

Buffy: I know that Faith's not going to be on the cover of Sanity Fair, but she's had it rough.

Buffy: Emotional control?
Willow: I'm working on it.

Principal Snyder (to Willow): I want you to tutor him. Percy is flunking history. Nothing seems to be able to motivate him.
Percy: Hey, I'm challenged.
Snyder: You are lazy, self-involved and spoiled. That's quite a challenge.

Buffy: So, he threatened you? With what?
Willow: Well, it wasn't exactly anything he said. It was all in his eyes. I mean, there was some nostril work as well, but mostly eyes.

Faith: You're gonna love it, B. It's just like fun, only boring.

Faith: Thanks, sugar daddy.
Mayor: Now, Faith, I don't find that sort of thing amusing. I'm a family man. Now, let's kill your little friend.

Oz (to Willow): There's something about you that's causing me to hug you. It's like I have no will of my own.

Willow: Where were you yesterday?
Oz: We got back late. Sort of very.

Willow: Maybe I would have liked to go.
Oz: Didn't figure you for missing school.
Willow: You think I'm boring.
Oz: I'd call that a radical interpretation of the text.

Willow (taking out a banana): I'm eating this now. It's not lunchtime. I don't even care.

Buffy (to Xander, re: Willow): See, I told you, Old Reliable.
Willow: Oh, thanks.
Buffy: What?
Willow: Old Reliable? Yea, great. There's a sexy nickname.
Buffy: Well, I didn't mean it as --
Willow: No. It's fine. I'm Old Reliable.
Xander: She just means, you know, the geyser. You're like a geyser of fun that goes off at regular intervals.
Willow: That's Old Faithful.
Xander: Isn't that the dog that the guy had to shoot --
Willow: That's Old Yeller.
Buffy: Xander, I beg you not to help me.

Willow: Maybe I'm just some doormat person. Homework gal.
Xander: I'm thinking nerve strike.

Buffy: Willow, wait. I'm really sorry.
Willow: Buffy, I'm storming off. It doesn't really work if you come with me.

Anya: I'm kind of new here. I know Cordelia.
Willow: Oh, fun.
Anya: Listen, I have this little project I'm working on, and I heard you were the person to ask if --
Willow: Yea, that's me. Reliable dog geyser person.

Willow: Okay, that was a little blacker than I like my arts.

Anya: Look, we'll just try it again. And --
Willow: No. I think emphatically not.

Willow: Now, if you'll excuse me, I have someone else's homework to do.

Vamp Willow: This is weird.

Song sung as the Bronze: There's a chair in my head/In which I used to sit/Took a pencil and I wrote/The following on it/Now there's a key where my wonderful mouth used to be/Dig it up and throw it at me/Dig it up and throw it at me

Vamp Willow: Xander.
Xander: Will, changing the look, not an idle threat with you.

Vamp Willow: I don't like you.
Buffy: Will, I'm sorry about today. You know how my foot likes to live in my mouth.

Giles (re: Willow): She was truly the finest of all of us.
Xander: Way better than me.
Giles: Much, much better.

Buffy: Willow, you're alive?
Willow: Aren't I usually?

Willow (after Buffy and Xander start hugging her): Okay, oxygen becoming an issue.

Willow: It's really nice that you guys missed me. Say, you all didn't happen to do a bunch of drugs, did you?

Buffy: Giles, planning on jumping in with an explanation anytime soon?
Giles: Well, uh, something... something very strange is happening.
Xander: Can you believe the Watcher's Council let this guy go?

Anya: Give me a beer.
Bartender: I.D.
Anya: I'm 1,120 years old! Just give my a friggin' beer!
Bartender: I.D.
Anya (sighs): Give me a coke.

Devon: Man, we need a roadie. Other bands have roadies..
Oz: Well, other bands know more than three chords. Your professional bands can play up to six, sometimes seven completely different chords.
Devon: That's just like fruity jazz bands.

Vampire: All right. Nobody cause any trouble or try to leave, and nobody gets hurt.
Angel: Why don't I believe him?
Oz: Well, he lacks credibility.

Vamp Willow: Questions? Comments?

Angel: Buffy, I... Something's happened that... Willow's dead. (sees "our" Willow) Hi, Willow. Wait a second.
Xander: We're right there with you, Buddy.

Vamp Willow (re: our Willow): Well, look at me. I'm all fuzzy.

Willow: This just can't get more disturbing.

Vamp Willow: You don't want to play? I guess I can't force you. Oh, wait. I can.

Willow: That's me as a vampire? I'm so evil, and skanky. And I think I'm kind of gay.
Buffy: Willow, just remember, a vampire's personality has nothing to do with the person it was.
Angel: Well, actually -- That's a good point.

Xander: So, we charge in, much in the style of John Wayne?

Angel (re: the vampires): They must really be afraid of you.
Willow: Who wouldn't be.
Buffy: Are you okay in that?
Willow: It's a little binding. I guess vampires really don't have to breathe.

Buffy: First sign of trouble you give us the signal. We come in hard and fast.
Xander: What's the signal?
Willow: Me screaming.

Buffy: Are you sure you're up to this?
Willow: Don't worry. I won't do anything that can be interpreted as brave.

Anya: Vampires. Always thinking with your teeth.

Willow (as vampy Willow, talking about herself): She bothered me. She's so weak and accommodating. She's always letting people walk all over her, and then she gets all cranky with her friends for no reason. I just couldn't let her live.

Vamp Willow (waking up in Willow's clothes): Oh, this is a nightmare.

Cordelia: What? Do I have something on my neck?
Vamp Willow: Not yet.

Cordelia: I should just leave you in there, but I am a great humanitarian, and you will just have to think of a way to pay me back sometime.
Vamp Willow: Okay. How about dinner?

Wesley: Was that...?
Cordelia: Willow. They got Willow. So, are you doing anything tonight?

Anya: I think he should eat you.
Willow: This girl has a history of mental problems dating back to early childhood. I'm a blood-sucking fiend. Look at my outfit.
Vampire: A human. I should have smelled it right away.
Willow: A human? Oh, yeah? Could a human do this? (screams)
Anya: Sure.
Vampire: Yea. I think, yea.
Anya: Human do that.

Willow (punches Anya): Ow, ow, ow! Happy, but ow.

Willow: Nice reflexes.
Buffy: Well, I work out.

Vamp Willow: This world's no fun.
Willow: You noticed that too?

Buffy: There but for the grace of getting bit.

Vamp Willow: Oh, f ---

Willow: Between me and my evil self, I've double guilt coupons.

Buffy: You wanna go out tonight?
Willow: Nine sound good?

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: season 3, ep. 15, Quippy Quotes

After having killed the mayor's assistant, Faith begins her descent to the "dark side."

Faith thinks that because she's a slayer and she's saved thousands of people that she's better than anybody else and she can do whatever she wants. She wants to believe that so she doesn't have to feel the guilt for killing a man.

The more that everybody says they want to help Faith, and the more that she refuses the help, the more she slips to the bad side. Until, eventually, she totally embraces the bad side, and decides to side with the one person who can help her keep the guilty feelings at bay. The Mayor.

Quotes:

Cordelia: Don't let me interrupt. Wait, let me interrupt. I'm in a hurry.

Cordelia (re: Wesley): Check out Giles, the next generation.

Wesley: Does everybody know about you?
Buffy: She's a friend.
Cordelia: Let's not exaggerate.

Wesley: Wesley Wyndham-Pryce.
Cordelia: I like a man with two last names.

Wesley: My. She's... cheeky, isn't she?
Faith: Uh, first word "jail," second word, "bait."

Mayor: Usually using a shredder gives me a lift. It's fun.

Faith: I'm not lookin' to hug and cry and learn and grow.

Faith: So his papers are gone. That doesn't prove anything.
Buffy: Except that somebody didn't want us to prove anything.

Willow: I've been letting things fester, and I don't like it. I wanna be fester-free.

Willow: Maybe we should all talk to Faith together.
Buffy: You mean, like that intervention thing that you guys did on me? As I recall, Xander and I nearly came to blows.
Xander: Uh, you nearly came to blows, Buffy. I nearly came to loss of limbs.

Angel: Sorry about the chains. It's not that I don't trust you. Actually, it is that I don't trust you.

Angel: You want to go the long way around? Hey, I can do that. I'm not getting any older.

Mayor (watching the footage of Buffy and Faith sneaking into ___ office): Here comes my favorite part. Where the slayers see us in the hall together, thick as thieves. Oh, wait, we are thieves, and worse, and now they know it.

Angel: You can't imagine the price for true evil.
Faith: Yea? I hope evil takes MasterCard.

Mr. Trick: Oh, no. No, this is no good at all.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: season 3, ep. 14, Quippy Quotes

"Bad Girls" is a very important episode in season 3.  A major event happens that causes Faith to turn to the "dark side," and sets up the  eventual face-off between our two slayers. We also meet Wesley, a new Watcher. Wesley's time on Buffy the Vampire Slayer was brief, but that lead to his significant part in Angel. Wesley knows what it means to be a Watcher, he just doesn't know what it means to kills demons. He's got the book-learnin', but he's a bit green in the field.

Faith's view of being a slayer is very different from Buffy's. Buffy sees it as a "calling." It's her duty to rid the world of demons, and her role as a slayer has rules. Faith sees being a slayer as having power. She thinks that a slayer is above the law - to Faith there are no rules. In this episode Faith's view of slaying starts to rub off on Buffy. And then something happens that sends Faith to a place where Buffy can no longer reach her, and the consequences will eventually lead to the "end-of-the-world" season finale.

Aside: Balthazar reminds me of Jabba the Hut (except with a human-looking head), and a little bit of Cassandra from the "New Earth" episode of Doctor Who. I'm just waiting for him to say, "Moisturize me, moisturize me!" *wink* The closest he gets is "Moisten the front." End of aside.

Quotes:

Faith: You think too much.
Buffy: Hey, there's one more.
Faith: How do you know?
Buffy: I think too much.

Buffy: K, count of three. One...
[Faith attacks the vampire]
Buffy: Three.

Faith: Nicely diverted, B.
Buffy: Diverted? That was me, fighting for my life, Miss Attention Span.
Faith: This isn't a Tupperware party. It's a little hard to plan.
Buffy: The count of three isn't a plan. It's Sesame Street.

Mayor: I just love The Family Circus. That P.J., he's getting to be quite a handful.

Mayor: Where's the owner of these fine implements?
Mr. Trick: The common term is "slain."

Xander: Is anyone else intimidated? Because I'm just expecting thin slips of paper with the words, "No way," written in crayon.
Oz: They're typing those now.

Willow: I'm so overwhelmed! I... I got in! To actual colleges! And... and they're wooing me! They're pitching the woo.
Buffy: The wooing stage is always fun.

Xander: I feel your pain, Wil. Like, right now, I'm torn between the fast-growing fields of appliance repair and motel management. Of course, I'm still waiting to hear back from the Corndog Emporium, so...

Cordelia: That's so cute. Planning life as a loser? Most people just turn out that way, but you're really taking charge.
Xander: The comedy stylings of Miss Cordelia Chase, everyone.

Xander: I'm not gonna waste the perfect comeback on you now, but don't think I don't have it. Oh, yes, its time will come.

Willow: Chemistry's easy. It's a lot like witchcraft, only less newt.

Wesley: I have, in fact, faced two vampires myself. Under controlled circumstances, of course.
Giles: No danger of finding those here.
Wesley: Vampires?
Giles: Controlled circumstances.

Wesley: A good slayer is a cautious slayer.
Buffy (to Giles): Is he evil?
Giles: Not in the strictest sense.

Wesley: Why don't you tell me about last night's patrol.
Buffy: Vampires.
Wesley: Yes?
Buffy: Killed 'em.

Wesley: I didn't get this job because of my looks.
Buffy: I really, really believe that.

Wesley: I don't want to bore you with the details.
Buffy: A little bit late.

Wesley: Are you not used to being given orders?
Buffy: Whenever Giles sends me on a mission, he always says, "Please." And afterwards I get a cookie.

Buffy: Don't say anything incredibly interesting while I'm gone.

Faith: Slaying's what we were built for. If you're not enjoying it, you're doing something wrong.

Buffy: Wait, stop! Think!
Faith: No, no. No!

Wesley: These are all the diaries, then? Yours included?
Giles: That's everything. Knock yourself out. Please?

Wesley: Here's you first entry. "Slayer is willful and insolent." That would be our girl, wouldn't it?
Giles: Well, you have to get to know her.
Wesley: "Her abuse of the English language is such that I understand only every other sentence." This is going to make fascinating reading.

Buffy: I hate it when they drown me.

Giles: Are you all right?
Buffy: I had to lather, rinse and repeat about 5 million times to get the sewer out of my hair, but otherwise, I'm of the good.

Wesley: Remember, the three key words of any slayer are preparation, preparation, preparation.
Buffy: That's one word three times.

Buffy: I have a chem test. So sad that I'm actually happy about that.

Wesley: You're not helping.
Giles: I know. I feel just sick about it.

Xander: Can we resume Buffy's "Ode to Faith" later, like when I'm not actively multiple-choicing?

Wesley: Ah. There you are.
Buffy: Ah. Speak of the really annoying person.

Buffy: Okay, we got 10, maybe 12 bad guys, and one big demon in desperate need of a Stairmaster.

Buffy: We need a little more fire power than none.

Faith: When you gonna get this, B? Life for a slayer is very simple. Want, take, have.

Wesley: It's simply time for somebody else to take the field.
Giles: Now's a good time to start.

Wesley: What is that thing?
Giles: That would be your demon. You know, the dead one?
Wesley: There's no need to get snippy.

Balthazar: You know what I want.
Giles: If it's for me to scrub those hard-to-reach areas, I'd like to request that you kill me now.

Balthazar: Slayer. You think you've won. When he rises... you'll wish I'd killed you all.

Mayor: I don't understand why Alan would miss this. He's usually so punctual.

Mayor: This officially commences the hundred days. Nothing can harm me until the ascension. [begins to laugh] Gosh, I'm feeling chipper. Who's for a root beer?

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: season 3, ep. 13, Quippy Quotes

Poor Xander. He just can't seem to catch a break. He's the only member of the scooby gang who can't do anything to help kill the vampires and demons and monsters (oh, my!). Buffy and Faith have super-human strength. Willow can cast spells. Angel is a vampire. Oz is a werewolf. And Giles... well, he's Giles.

In "The Zeppo," Xander just wants to prove that he's cool, and he gets stuck with a new gang. A, let's say, motley crew. As Buffy, Willow, and Giles try to figure out how to keep some demons from opening the hellmouth and bringing about the end of the world, Xander's stuck with a juvenile delinquent and a bunch of his friends he's raised from the dead.

This episode is a perfect example of how Buffy the Vampire Slayer mixes comedy with action and drama. While the scooby gang is fighting the demon from the hellmouth, that's trying to end the world, Xander is fighting his new dead "friends," and trying to keep the school from being blown up. You guess which part contains the comedy.

Fun Fact: There's a scene in this episode in the lunch room, and at the beginning of the scene there's a shot of what's for lunch: saurkraut, hot dogs, and spaghetti. That shot was originally in season 2, episode 19, "I Only Have Eyes for You." It's the scene where snakes invade the lunch room. In "The Zeppo," at the end of the shot of the food, you can actually see Cordelia paying for her lunch, and Xander, Buffy and Willow sitting at one of the tables. And then the scene continues with Xander at one of the tables talking to Oz. Way to reuse old footage.

Quotes:

Buffy: Willow, you okay?
Willow: Yea, I'm fine. The shaking is a side-effect of the fear.

Xander: I'm good. We're fine. Just a little bit dirty. Good show everyone. Just great. I think we have a hit.

Xander: If anyone sees my spine laying around, just try not to step on it.

Buffy: Maybe you shouldn't be leaping into the fray like that. Maybe you should be... fray-adjacent.
Xander: Excuse me? Who, at a crucial moment, distracted the lead demon by allowing her to pummel him about the head?
Faith: Yea. That was really manly how you shrieked and all.
Xander: I think you'll find that was more of a bellow.

Buffy: What should we do with the trio here? Burn them?
Willow: I brought marshmallows. [everyone looks at her] Occasionally, I'm callous and strange.

Giles: Xander, I think in the future perhaps it would be best if you hung back to the rear of the battle, for your own sake.
Xander: But, gee, Mr. White, if Clark and Lois get all the good stories, I'll never be a good reporter.
Giles: Hmm?
Xander: Jimmy Olsen joke, sir. Pretty much gonna be lost on you.
Giles: Sorry.
Xander, Hey, it's okay.

Cordelia (to Xander): Boy, of all the humiliations you've had I've witnessed, that was the latest.

Xander (to Cordelia): Why am I surprised by how comforting you're not?

Cordelia: You must feel like Jimmy Olsen.
Xander: I was just talking to... Hey, mind your own business.

Cordelia: Xander, you're the useless part of the group. You're the Zeppo.

Xander: But, it's just that it's bugging me - this "cool" thing." I mean, what is it? How do you get it? Who doesn't have it? And who decides who doesn't have it? What is the essence of cool?
Oz: Not sure.
Xander: I mean, you yourself, Oz, are considered more or less cool. Why is that?
Oz: Am I?
Xander: Is it about the talking? You know, the way you tend to express yourself in short, noncommittal phrases?
Oz: Could be.

Xander: I gotta learn an instrument. Is it hard to play guitar?
Oz: Not the way I play it.

Buffy: And they're here in Sunnydale for what - Demon Expo?
Giles: Buffy, this is no laughing matter.
Buffy: Hence my no laughing.

Buffy: Do you remember the demon that almost got out the night I died?
Willow: Every nightmare I have that doesn't revolve around academic failure and public nudity is about that thing. In fact, once I dreamt that it attacked me when I was late for a test and naked.

Cordelia: Ooh, is some evil going on? Must be big for them to entrust you with this daredevil mission.
Xander: Cordelia, feel free to drop dead of a wasting disease in the next 20 seconds.
Cordelia: Ooh, again I strike the nerve. I am the surgeon of mean.

Xander: Stay calm. A little fender bender. It's not... the end of the world.

Buffy: "Sisterhood of Jhe. Race of female demons, fierce warriors..." Eww. "...celebrate victory in battle by eating their foes." They couldn't just pour Gatorade on each other?

Giles: All we know is the fate of the entire world rests on it -- Did you eat all the jellies?
Buffy: Did you want a jelly?
Giles: I always have a jelly. I'm always the one that says, "Let's have a jelly in the mix."
Willow: We're sorry. Buffy had three.

Xander: I am really sorry about that, but your car came out of nowhere.
Jack: I was parked.
Xander: Exactly. Look, I can cover the damages. I don't have insurance in the strictest sense of the word.

Xander: Great knife. Although, I think it may technically be a sword.
Jack: She's called "Katie."
Xander: You gave it a girl's name. How very serial killer of you.

Jack: Don't you feel pathetic?
Xander: Mostly I feel Katie.

Jack: You know what the difference between you and me is?
Xander: Again, Katie's springing to mind.

Bob: How long have I been down?
Jack: Eight months. I had to wait till the stars aligned.
Bob: Oh, eight months. I got some catching up to do. Walker, Texas Ranger -- you been taping them?

Bob: It's gonna be a night to remember. Yeah!
Xander: I'm sensing that.

Xander: Listen, do you guys need any help?
Giles: Hmm? Oh, no. Thank you. Probably best if you stay out of trouble.
Xander: No chance of that.

Giles: There's something different about this. Something in the air - the stench of death.
Xander: Yea, I think it's Bob.

Xander (to himself): Okay, now I'm involved in crime. I'm the criminal element. Having a car sure is cool.

Bob: You got a problem with dead people?

Xander: Now, I'm gonna ask you this once, and you better pray you get the answer right. How do I difuse -- [corpse loses his head] I probably should've left out that whole middle part.

Xander: Where's a slayer when you need one?

Xander: Should've learned by now. If you're gonna play with fire, you gotta expect, sooner or later... [corpse runs away] I wasn't finished yet! Note to self: less talk.

Xander: I'm not leaving till that thing's disarmed.
Jack: I guess you're not leaving.

Xander: I don't think I wanna be seeing you on campus anymore, Jack.
[Xander leaves]
Jack: I'm not going anywhere, Harris. The first time you turn your back ---

Willow: Xander. Boy, you're lucky you weren't at school last night. It was crazed.
Xander: Well, uh, give me the quiet life.

Xander: I'm gonna grab a snack. Anyone want? Oz?
Oz: No. Oddly full today.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: season 3, ep. 12, Quippy Quotes

In "Helpless," Buffy is looking forward to spending her birthday with her father at the Ice Show, but instead, she finds out that her father can't make their yearly Ice Show tradition, she loses her slayer abilities, and she is forced to fight one of the worst vampires she's ever had to face - one that's not only the living dead, but criminally insane. But the worst blow of all is when Buffy learns how she lost her abilities, and by whose hand. Happy birthday, Buffy.

Quotes:

Buffy: Actually, I do have a thing.
Angel: A thing? A date?
Buffy: Nice attempt at casual. Actually, I do have a date. Older man. Very handsome. Likes it when I call him "Daddy."
Angel: Your father. It is your father, right?

Buffy: How do you know when one's aura is dirty? Somebody come by with a finger and write "wash me" on it?

Vampire: I'll kill you for that.
Buffy: For that? What were you trying to kill me for before?

Buffy: I'm way off my game. My game's left the country. It's in Cuernavaca.

Xander: An ice show. A show performed on ice. And how old are we again?

Oz: Ice is cool. It's water, but it's not.

Xander: We're still talking party, right? I mean, some of us still love to relish celebrating in the birth of the Buff.

Buffy: I think it might be time to put a moratorium on parties in my honor. They tend to go badly. Monsters crash. People die.
Willow: But 18 is a big one, Buffy. You can vote now. You can be drafted. You can vote not to be drafted.

Buffy: I think I'll choose to celebrate this one with quiet reflection.
Xander: Where is it written that quiet reflection can't combined with cake and funny hats?

Buffy: You know, it's not just cartoon characters. They do pieces from operas and ballets. Brian Boitano doing Carmen is a life changer.

Buffy: I just got swatted down by some no-neck and rescued by Cordelia.

Buffy: I have no strength. I have no coordination. I throw knives like...
Giles: A girl?
Buffy: Like I'm not the slayer.

Xander: Maybe we're on the wrong track with the whole spell, curse, and whammy thing. Maybe what we should be looking for is something like, um... slayer kryptonite.
Oz: Faulty metaphor. Kryptonite kills.
Xander: You're assuming I meant the green kryptonite. I was referring, of course, to the red kryptonite, which drains Superman of his powers.
Oz: Wrong. The gold kryptoite's the power-sucker. The red kryptonite mutates Superman into some sort of weird--
Buffy: Guys. Reality.

Buffy: Before I was the slayer, I was... Well, I don't want to say shallow, but let's say a certain person, who will remain nameless - we'll just call her Spordelia - looked like a classical philosopher next to me.

Angel: I saw you before you became the slayer.
Buffy: What?
Angel: I watched you and I saw you called. It was a bright afternoon out in front of your school. You walked down the steps, and... and I loved you.
Buffy: Why?
Angel: 'Cause I could see your heart. You held it before you for everyone to see. And I worried that it would be bruised or torn. And more than anything in my life I wanted to keep it safe, to warm it with my own.
Buffy: That's beautiful. Or taken literally, incredibly gross.
Angel: I was just thinking that too.

Buffy: Hummers. Big turn off. I like guys that can remember the lyrics.

Buffy: If you touch me, I'll kill you.

Cordelia: Is the world ending? I have to research a paper on Bosnia for tomorrow, but if the world's ending, I'm not going to bother.

Cordelia: Did something take her memory? He's Giles. Giles. He hangs out here a lot.

Buffy: Cordelia, could you drive me home?
Cordelia: Of course. But if the world doesn't end, I'm gonna need a note.

Kralik: I have a problem with mothers. I'm aware of that.

Buffy: If I was at full slayer powers, I'd be punning right about now.

Buffy: I think you better leave town before I get my strength back.

Buffy: The important thing is that I kept up my special birthday tradition of gut-renching misery and horror.
Oz: Bright side to everything.

Xander: Admit it. Sometimes you just need a big strong man. Uh, Wil, give me a hand with that?

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: season 3, ep. 11, Quippy Quotes

"Gingerbread" is Joss Whedon's mash up of Hansel and Gretel and The Crucible.

Joyce finds two children while "bonding" with Buffy on a patrol night. The children have symbols are their hands that lead Giles to believe that the deaths were caused by someone involved in the occult. That leads Joyce to believe that the children were killed by a witch, and soon she has all of the adults in Sunnydale on a witch hunt. But it isn't all Joyce's idea. She has some little voices telling her what to do. And soon the whole town has turned against Willow, Buffy, and Amy (remember Amy, the witch?).

Quotes:

Joyce: Is it a vampire?

Buffy: Mom, what are you doing here?

Joyce: I brought you a snack. I thought it was about time or me to come out and watch. You know, the slaying.

Buffy: You know, the slaying is kind of an alone thing.

Joyce: It's, um, you know, something we could share.

Buffy: Actually, it's pretty dull, you know. It's bam, boom, stick... poof.

Joyce: Good, honey. Kill him!

Joyce: It's Mr. Sanderson from the bank. And he's getting away!

Buffy (to Joyce): Stay! (runs after Mr. Sanderson from the bank)

Buffy (to Joyce): I'll take care of everything. I promise. Just try and calm down.

[cut to Buffy and Giles]

Buffy: Don't tell me to calm down!

Buffy: Find me the thing that uses this symbol and point me at it.

Giles: Hmm.

Buffy: Hmm, what? Giles, speak.

Giles: I wonder if you're not letting yourself get a shade, uh, more personal because of your mother's involvement.

Buffy: Oh, it's completely personal.

Xander: So, a burrito?

Oz: This is a burrito.

Xander: Damn straight.

Oz (to Willow): I haven't seen you all day. Where you been?

Xander: Not with me. No sir. Ask anyone. No.

Xander: Why was your mom there?

Buffy: More bad. She picked last night, of all nights, for a surprise bonding visit.

Willow: Your mom would actually take the time to do that with you? That really wasn't the point of the story, was it?

Xander: What a burn. I mean, Buff's mom was just starting to accept the whole slayer thing, and now she's gonna be double freaked out.

Willow: Makes me grateful that my mom's not interested in my extracurricular activities. Or my curricular activities.

Joyce: Are you embarrassed to be hanging out with your mother? I didn't hug you.

Buffy: No, it's just... this hall is about school, and you're about home. Mix them, my world dissolves.

Mrs. Rosenberg: Willow, I didn't know you were going to be here. Oh, hi, Bunny.

Buffy: Hi.

Mrs. Rosenberg: Willow, you cut off your hair. That's a new look.

Willow: Yea, it's just a sudden whim I had... in August.

Joyce: Well, it's, uh, it's been a while.

Giles: Right. Not since, um, not since... not for a while.

Mrs. Rosenberg: There's a rumor going around, Mr. Giles.

Giles: Rumor? About us? About What?

Mrs. Rosenberg: About witches. People calling themselves witches are responsible for this brutal crime.

Giles: Indeed? How strange.

Willow: Ha, ha. Yes. Strange. Witches.

Cordelia: If you're going to hang with them, expect badness. 'Cause that's what you get when you hang with freaks and losers. Believe me, I know. That was a pointed comment about me hanging with you guys.

Buffy: Yea, I got that one.

Buffy: Hey, is Willow around?

Xander: How can I convince you people that it's over? You assume because I'm here, she's here. that I somehow mysteriously know where she is.

Buffy: Those her books?

Xander: Yea. She's in the bathroom.

Xander: Look, I'm getting sick of judgment. The innuendos. Is a man not innocent until proven guilty?

Buffy: You are guilty. You got illicit smoochies. Gonna have to pay the price.

Xander: But I'm talking about future guilt. Look, everyone expects me to mess up again. Like Oz. I see how he is around me. You know, that steely gaze... that pointed silence.

Buffy: 'Cause he's such a chatterbox.

Xander: No, but it's different now. It's more a verbal nonverbal. He speaks volumes with his eyes.

Buffy: What is this?

Willow: A doodle. I do doodle. You too. You do doodle too.

Principal Snyder: This is a glorious day for Principals everywhere. No pathetic whining about students' rights. Just a long row of lockers, and a man with a key.

Cordelia: Hey! Get your grubby custodial hands off that.

Security Officer: Stay back.

Cordelia: That hair spray costs $45, and it's imported.

Giles: They're confiscating my books.

Buffy: Giles, we need those books.

Giles: Believe me, I tried to tell that to the nice man with the big gun.

Buffy: There's something about the symbol that we're missing. Willow said she used it in a protection spell. It's harmless. Not a big bad. So then whey would it turn up in a ritual sacrifice?

Giles: I don't know. Ordinarily, I would say let's widen our research.

Buffy: Using what? A dictionary and My Friend Flicka?

Giles: This is intolerable. Snyder has interfered before, but I won't take this from that twisted little homunculus.

Snyder (entering the library): I love the smell of desperate librarian in the morning.

Giles: You get out... and take your marauders with you.

Snyder: Oh, my. So fierce.

Snyder: Just how is, um, Blood Rites and Sacrifices appropriate material for a public school library? Chess Club branching out?

Snyder: Just remember, lift a finger against me, and you'll have to answer to MOO.

Buffy: Answer to moo? Did that sentence just make some sense that I'm not in on?

Snyder: Mothers Opposed to the Occult. A powerful new group.

Buffy: And who came up with that lame name?

Snyder: That would be the founder. I believe you call her Mom.

Mrs. Rosenberg: This isn't exactly a surprise.

Willow: Why not?

Mrs. Rosenberg: Oh, well, identification with mythical icons is perfectly typical of your age group. It's a classic adolescent response to the pressure of incipient adulthood.

Willow: Oh, is that what it is?

Mrs. Rosenberg: Of course, I wish you could have identified with something a little less icky, but developmentally speaking --

Willow: Mom, I'm not an age group. I'm me. Willow group.

Willow: Mom, how would you know what I can do? I mean, the last time we had a conversation over three minutes, it was about the patriarchal bias of the Mister Rogers show.

Mrs. Rosenberg: Well, with King Friday lording it over the "lesser" puppets --

Mrs. Rosenberg: You're grounded.

Willow: Grounded? This is the first time ever I've done something you don't like, and I'm grounded? I'm supposed to mess up. I'm a teenager, remember?

Mrs. Rosenberg: You're upset. I hear you.

Willow: No, Ma, hear this. I'm a rebel. I'm having a rebellion.

Willow: I can summon the four elements. Okay, two, but four soon. And I'm dating a musician!

Mrs. Rosenberg: Oh, Willow!"

Mrs. Rosenberg: I don't want you hanging out with those friends of yours. It's clear where this little obsession came from. You will not speak to Bunny Summers again.

[Cut to Buffy and Joyce]

Joyce: I don't want you seeing that Willow anymore.

Buffy: Okay, maybe I don't have a plan. Lord knows I don't have any lapel buttons.

Joyce: Buffy.

Buffy: And maybe next time that the world is getting sucked into hell, I won't be able to stop it because the anti-sucking book isn't on the approved reading list.

Buffy: I have to go. I have to go on one of my pointless patrols and react to some vampires. If that's all right with MOO. And nice acronym, Mom.

Angel: I heard about this. People are talking. People are even talking to me.

Buffy: It's strange. People die in Sunnydale all the time, and I've never seen anything like this.

Angel: They were children. Innocent. It makes a difference.

Buffy: And Mr. Sanderson from the bank had it coming?

Buffy: My mom said some things to me about being the slayer. That it's fruitless. No fruit for Buffy.

Buffy: Okay, so I battle evil. But I don't really win. The bad keeps coming back and getting stronger. I'm like that kid in the story, the boy that stuck his finger in the duck.

Angel: Dike. It's another word for dam.

Buffy: Oh. Okay, that story makes a lot more sense now.

Angel: Buffy, you know I'm still figuring things out. There's a lot I don't understand. But I do know it's important to keep fighting. I learned that from you.

Giles (using the computer): Session interrupted? Who said you could interrupt, you stupid useless fad! No, I said fad, and I'll say it again!

Xander (entering with Oz): At that point, I will become frightened.

Oz: Take heart, we found your books.

Xander: You can put  your heart back. We can't get them. They're locked up in City Hall.

Buffy: We need to get some information.

Giles: Yea, well, somebody else do it, this thing's locked me out.

Xander: Well, if you wouldn't yell at it...

Oz: I can look around, but Willow would really know the sites we need.

Buffy: That's great. She can't even come to the phone. The wrath of MOO.

Xander: So, they have names. That's new.

Giles: There is a fringe theory, held by a few folklorists that some regional stories have actual, very literal antecedents.

Buffy: And in some language that's English...

Oz: Fairy tales are real.

Xander: Wait, Hansel and Gretel? Breadcrumbs, ovens, gingerbread house?

Giles: Of course. It makes sense now.

Buffy: Yea, it's all falling into place. Of course that place is nowhere near this place.

Buffy: Hansel and Gretel run home to tell everyone about the mean old witch.

Giles: And then she, and probably dozens of others are persecuted by a righteous mob. It's happened all through history. It happened in Salem, not surprisingly.

Xander: Whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm still spinning on this whole "fairy tales are real" thing.

Oz: So, what do we do?

Xander: I don't know about you, but I'm gonna go trade my cow for some beans. No one else is seeing the funny here?

Cordelia: Wake up! 

[slaps Giles]

Giles: Cordelia?

Cordelia: Took you long enough to wake up. My hand hurts.

Giles Pity.

Cordelia: Things are way out of control, Giles. First the thing at school, and then my mom confiscates all my black clothes and scented candles. I came over here to tell Buffy to stop this craziness, and found you all unconscious, again. How many times have you been knocked out, anyway? I swear, one these times you're going to wake up in a coma.

Giles: Wake up in a...? Oh, never mind. We need to save Buffy from Hansel and Gretel.

Cordelia: Now, let's be clear. The brain damage happened before I hit you.

Buffy: Mom, you don't want this.

Joyce: Since when does it matter what I want? I wanted a normal, happy daughter. Instead I got a slayer.

Mrs. Rosenberg: Torch.

Joyce: Thanks. This has been so trying, you've been such a champ.

Mrs. Rosenberg: Oh, you too, Joyce.

Joyce: We should stay close. Have lunch.

Mrs. Rosenberg: Oh, I'd like that. How nice.

Giles: And, uh, drop a toadstone into the mixture.

Cordelia: This? It doesn't look like a toad.

Giles: No reason it should. It's from inside the toad.

Cordelia: I hate you.

Buffy: Cordelia, put out the fire!

Cordelia: Oh, right.

Cordelia: Okay, I think I liked the two little ones more than the one big one.

Demon: Protect us. Kill the bad girls.

Buffy: You know what? Not as convincing in that outfit.

Buffy: Did I get it? Did I get it?

[Xander and Oz fall from the ceiling]

Oz: We're here to save you.

Willow: She's doing that selection thing your mom used to be so good at.

Buffy: She forgot everything?

Willow: No. She remembered the part where I said I was dating a musician. Oz has to come to dinner next week. So, that's sort of like taking an interest.

Buffy (re: Amy): Maybe we could get her one of those wheel thingies.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: season 3, ep. 10, Quippy Quotes

In "Amends," it's the Christmas season, and Angel is haunted by some of Angelus's victims. However, it's not just a guilty conscience (although Angel certainly has that), there's a "mega" demon, who isn't really a demon, who is manipulating Angel - all just so Angel will lose his soul again and kill Buffy. Angel doesn't know if he can control himself, so he's willing to kill himself to keep Buffy safe. And then a miracle happens. Merry Christmas.

Quotes:

Buffy:  So, are you shopping? Probably not shopping.
Angel: I couldn't sleep.
Buffy: Vampires probably not that big on Christmas, now that I think about it.
Angel: Not as a rule.

Buffy: He didn't say anything. He just took off. It was so weird.
Xander: Angel? Weird? What are the odds?

Buffy: I just want a nice, quiet Christmas vacation.
(Author commentary: What are the odds? *wink*)
Xander: So, you doing anything special?
Buffy: Tree. Nog. Roast beast. Just me and Mom and, hopefully, an excess of gifts. (to Willow) What are you doing for Christmas?
Willow: Being Jewish. Remember, people? Not everybody worships Santa.

Cordelia: I'll be in Aspen, skiing... with actual snow.
Buffy: I hear that helps.
Cordelia: It must be a drag to be stuck here in Sweatydale, but I'm thinking of you. Okay, I'm not.

Oz: I know you guys have a history.
Willow: But it's a history that's in the past. Well, I guess most history is in the past.

Buffy: I like the lights.
Faith: Yea. Well, 'tis the season. Whatever that means.

Angel: I can't come in unless you invite me.
Giles: I'm aware of that.

Angel: I need to know why I'm here.
Giles: Here? Back on earth?
Angel: I should be in a demon dimension suffering an eternity of torture.
Giles: I don't feel particularly inclined to argue with that.

Angel: What do you want?
Apparition of Jenny: I want to die in bed surrounded by fat grandchildren, but I guess that's off the menu.

Buffy: I'm not seeing him anymore. I'm trying to put all of this behind me, and I'm not gonna be able to do that as long as we're both doing guests spots in each other's dreams.

Xander: Look, I'm aware I haven't been the mosest best friend to you when it comes to the whole Angel thing. And I don't know, maybe I finally got the Hanukkah spirit.

Giles: Buffy, the diary of Lucious Temple, an acolyte of Acthla, expert on demons. You can skip the passages on his garden, unless you're keen on growing healthier beets.

Willow: He's gonna come over on Christmas Eve 'cause my parents are out of town. We're gonna watch videos.
Buffy: That's good, right, you guys are back.
Willow: It's good. It's perfect... in an awkward, uncomfortable sort of way.

Willow (reading a book): Hey, he likes beets.
Buffy: I read that one already.

Willy: So, what can I do for you? Couple of drinks?
Xander: Yea, let me get a double shot of... um, of information pal.
Buffy: Three priests. They call themselves --
Xander: The Bringers.
Buffy: Bringers. Harbingers. The have a "no eyes" kind of look.
Willy: Doesn't ring a bell.
Xander: How about I ring that bell for you? (to Buffy) Does the threatening come now?
Buffy: Maybe you shouldn't help.

Willy: Well, I heard a few things, you know, from the underground.
Xander: The underground?
Willy: Yea, you know, from things that live under the ground.

Willy: Hey. You did great, by the way. I was very intimidated by you.
Xander: Really? Thanks.
Buffy: Let's go.

Xander: We know underground. That's a start.
Buffy: Sure. In a town with 14 million square miles of sewer.
Xander: Plus a lot of natural cave formations and a gateway to hell. Yea, this does resemble square one.

Oz: You ever have that dream where you're in a play, and it's the middle of the play, and you really don't know your lines, and you kind of don't know the plot?

Willow: Where are you going?
Oz: No, I'm not going. Just a dramatic gesture.

Oz: I think we should sit down again.

Buffy: Nothing like a roaring fire to keep away the blistering heat.

Buffy (to Faith): Why don't you come in from the entire lack of cold.

Buffy (to Giles): Find me these priest guys. Find me something I can pummel.

Jenny: You're not supposed to die. This isn't the plan. But it'll do.

Buffy: All right, ten more minutes of chanting, and they you guys have to go to bed.

Jenny: I am something you can't even conceive. The First Evil. Beyond sin. Beyond death. I am the thing the darkness fears. You'll never see me, but I am everywhere. Every being... every thought... every drop of hate.
Buffy: All right, I get it. You're evil. Do we have to chat about it all day?

Jenny: You have no idea what you're dealing with.
Buffy: Let me guess. Is it... evil?

Angel: Buffy, please. Just this once, let me be strong.
Buffy: Strong is fighting. It's hard, and it's painful, and it's every day. It's what we have to do.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: season 3, ep. 9 Quippy Quotes

Cordelia is in a difficult place right now. In the last episode, she caught her boyfriend, Xander, kissing his best friend, Willow, and while trying to get away from the situation, she fell through a rotted staircase and fell onto a stake. At the beginning of "The Wish," Cordy is healing. Well, her physical wound is healing, her emotional wound, not so much.

Cordy thinks that all of the bad things that happened to her are because Buffy came to Sunnydale two years ago. So, she wishes that Buffy had never come to Sunnydale. More importantly, she makes her wish after a vengeance demon gives her an amulet to wear. And guess what - her wish is granted. It's Buffy the Vampire Slayer meets It's a Wonderful Life. But Bedford Falls didn't have to deal with vampires when George Bailey was never born, especially not Xander and Willow vamps. As the sage said, "Be careful what you wish for."

The best part of this episode is we meet Anya for the first time. She is one of my favorite Buffy characters. We just don't get a lot of "Anyaness" in this episode because she is still a demon. We'll get the best of Anya in future episodes when she's a former demon trying to be human. She actually acted more human in this episode, when was a demon.

Quotes:

Buffy: Okay, that was too close for comfort. Not that slaying is ever comfy, but you know what I mean.

Buffy: You got plans.
Xander: I cannot stress enough how much I don't have plans.
Buffy: No luck reaching Cordelia.
Xander: I've left a few messages. 60. 70.

Xander: You know what really bugs me? Okay, we kissed. It was a mistake. But I know that was positively the last time we were ever gonna kiss.
Willow: Darn tootin'.
Xander: And they burst in rescuing us... without even knocking? I mean, this is really all their fault.
Buffy: Your logic does not resemble our Earth logic.
Xander: Mine is much more advanced.

Cordelia: Most people around here can't tell Prada from... Payless.

Harmony: Cordy, when I heard about... Well, I mean, I couldn't believe it. But it was smart, you know, the injury thing. You take a week off... let everybody forget about the temporary insanity that was Xander Harris.
Cordelia: Xander who?

Anya: Don't you kinda wish...
Cordelia: I don't wish. I act.

Xander: Excuse me. I need to be both giving and receiving of mirth. Is it too much to ask for a little backup?
Buffy: I'm here for you, Xand. I'm support-o-gal.

Willow: It's true. Cordelia belongs to the justified camp. She should make us pay. And pay and pay and pay. In fact there's just not enough pay for what we--
Xander: Look, you want to do guilt-apalooza, fine, but I'm done with that. Starting this minute, I'm gonna grab ahold of that crazy little thing called life and let it do it's magical little healie thing. What's done is done. Let's be in the moment. Behold the beauty that is now. Who's with me?
Buffy: He's actually making sense. We're young and free in America. How dare we be spun by love or the lack of same?
Willow: Absolutely. It's self-indulgent. I'm in. I'm on the joy train.
[pause]
Buffy: That didn't work. Who wants chocolate?

Cordelia: I never would have looked twice at Xander if Buffy hadn't made him look marginally cooler by hanging with him. I wish Buffy Summers had never come to Sunnydale.
Anya: Done.

Cordelia: She was like a good fairy. A scary, veiny, good fairy.

Xander: I had a prime kill. Old crush, actually. Till that wanna-slay librarian showed up.

Xander (to the Master): Weird thing, girl kept talking about Buffy. "Gotta get Buffy here." Isn't that what they called the slayer?
Willow: Hmm. Buffy. Ooh. Scary.
Xander: Someone has to talk to her people. That name is striking fear in nobody's hearts.

Cordelia (to Giles): You have to get Buffy. Buffy changes it. It wasn't like this. It was better. I mean, the clothes alone... But people were happy. Mostly.

Giles: Buffy Summers?
Buffy: That's right. You wanna tell me what I'm doing here?

Giles: Well. I'd say that my watcher muscles haven't completely atrophied after all.

Buffy: Why don't I just put a stake through her heart.
Giles: She's not a vampire.
Buffy: Well, you'd be surprised how many things that'll kill.

Buffy: You're taking an awful lot on faith here, Jeeves.
Giles: Giles.

Giles: I have to believe in a better world.
Buffy: Go ahead. I have to live in this one.

Buffy: I don't play well with others.

Xander: We really are living in a golden age.

Angel: What's the plan.
[Buffy holds up a stake]
Buffy: Don't fall on this.

Willow: Uh oh. Puppy got out.

Giles: I'm not afraid of you. Your only power lies in the wishing.
Anyanka: Wrong.

Anyanka: You trusting fool. How do you know that the other world is any better than this?
Giles: Because it has to be.

Cordelia: I wish Buffy Summers had never come to Sunnydale.
Anya: Done.
Cordelia: That would be cool. No. Wait. I wish Buffy Summers had never been born.
Anya: Done!
Cordelia: And I wish that Xander Harris never again knows the touch of a woman. And that Willow wakes up tomorrow covered in monkey hair.
Anya: Done!
Cordelia: In fact, I wish all men, except maybe the dumb and really agreeable kind, disappear off the face of the Earth. That would be so cool. Or maybe...

And... in case you're wondering what Xander and Willow vamps look like, here you go...

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: season 3, ep. 8, Quippy Quotes

Spike comes back to Sunnydale after Drusilla leaves him. And a dumped Spike is not a happy Spike. No one expects Spike to kidnap Willow to cast a love spell to make Drusilla love him again, and no one expects the consequences that occur. The end of this episode is pretty sad. Although, it is pretty funny watching Spike sing along to a rock version of "My Way."

There's another great scene with Spike and Joyce in this episode. Spike spills all of his relationship woes to Joyce over a cup of hot chocolate. And Joyce, not knowing how dangerous Spike really is, listens to him and gives him advice. When Angel shows up, and is unable to come into the house, Joyce thinks Angel is the dangerous one, and Spike loves it.

Quotes:

Willow: This is a nightmare. This is... my world is spinning.
Xander: It's not that bad, Willow. Really.
Willow: 740 verbal? I'm pathetic! Illiterate! I'm Cletus, the Slack-jawed Yokel.
Xander: That's right. And the fact that your "740 verbal" closely resembles my combined scores in no way compromises your position as the village idiot.

Oz (to Willow): I can see why you'd be upset. [pause] That was my sarcastic voice.
Xander: You know, it sounds a lot like your regular voice.
Oz: I've been told that.

Willow: Buffy! Did you get your SAT scores?
[Buffy nods her head]
Xander: By the look on your face, I'm guessing you and I are going to be manning the drive-thru windows, side-by-side.

Cordelia: Well, I think this is great! Now you can leave and never come back. Well, I mean that in a positive way. Get out of Sunnydale. That's a good thing. What kind of moron would ever want to come back here?
[cut to Spike coming back to Sunnydale]
Spike: Home sweet home.

Xander: Come on. It'll be fun.
Cordelia: I don't know. I just thought we were going to do something... you know, classy.
Xander: What's classier than bowling?
Cordelia: Apart from everything ever?

Xander: There's pictures.  Of me... in your locker. I never knew I was locker-door material.
Cordelia: Well, just barely. And besides, I look really cute in those pictures.

Willow: They don't stand a chance. I'm really good. Or I used to be when they had the inflatable things in the gutters.

Willow: What's this?
Oz: It's a gift.
Willow: What's the occasion?
Oz: Pretty much you are.

Willow: We have to find a little Pez werewolf, so little Pez witch can have a boyfriend.
Oz: I don't think they make a werewolf Pez. You might have to settle for a wacky cartoon dog.

Buffy: Okay, but you're just going for a few days, right? I mean, you're not going to settle there and grow crops or anything.
Giles: What? Oh, my gear. No. This is just basic necessities.
Buffy: Giles. You pack like me.

Giles: I suspect your mother will want to put it on the refrigerator.
Buffy: Yea, she saw these scores, and her head spun around and exploded.
Giles: I've been on the Hellmouth too long. That was metaphorical, yes?

Buffy: She started with all this crazy talk about me going to college. Maybe someplace else. I know. I said that you were going to have a goat. Responsibilities and all. I know the drill.
Giles: She may be right.
Buffy: Yea, I know, I figure you'd... Okay. Be kind. Rewind.

Willow: It's a very intimate situation. It's all sexy, with the smoke and the sweating, and the shoe rental.
Xander: You're turned on by rented shoes?

Willow: No! Pez!
Xander: Maybe bowling might be too much to handle.

Buffy (to Joyce): All day it's been like, "Congratulations!" "Go away!"

Joyce: You belong at a good old-fashioned college with keg parties and boys, not here with hellmouths and vampires.
Buffy: Not really seeing the distinction.

Joyce: I spoke with Mr. Giles, and he said --
Buffy: That Faith could be Miss Sunnydale in the Slayer pageant. I know.

Spike: This is just too much.

Magic shop owner: We don't carry... leprosy.

Mayor: I would sell my soul for a decent short game. Of course, it's a little late for that.

Mayor: Loose cannon. Rock the boat. Is that a mixed metaphor? Boats did have cannons, and a loose one would cause it to rock. Oh, honestly. I don't know where my mind goes these days.

Angel: She wants you to get out.
Buffy: Someplace a little less hellmouthy.

Willow: You said you wished that these feelings could just go away.
Xander: Yea, I wish for a lot of things. I told you I wished I was a fireman when we were in the sixth grade, but you didn't follow through on that!

Spike: She wouldn't even kill me. She just left. She didn't even care enough to cut off my head or set me on fire. I mean, is that too much to ask? You know? Some little sign that she cared?

Spike: I said, "I am not puttin' up with this anymore." And she said, "Fine." And I said, "Yea, I've got an unlife, you know!" And then she said... she said we could still be friends.

Spike: Well, if at first you don't succeed... I'll kill him, and you try again.

Cordelia: Was Willow messing with her magic tricks again? Maybe they disappeared. Maybe she turned Xander into something "ishy."

Buffy: Either they were taken, or they ran, or maybe --
Cordelia: You're having too many "or's." Pick one.

Joyce: She sounds very unreasonable.
Spike: She is. She's out of her mind. That's what I miss most about her.

Angel: You touch her and I'll cut your head off.
Spike: Yea? You and what army?
[Buffy enters]
Buffy: That would be me.

Spike: You do me now, you'll never find the little witch.
Joyce: Willow's a witch?
Buffy: And Xander?
Spike: Him too.
Joyce: Xander's a witch?

Cordelia: Is this some sort of residual werewolf thing? This is very disturbing.
Oz: I really agree.

Spike: I wish I was dead.
Buffy: Well, if you close your eyes and wish real hard --

Spike: We killed a homeless man on this bench. Me and Dru. Those were good times.

Buffy: Spike can get the rats eyes.
Spike: I used to bring her rats. With the morning paper.

Willow: Drusilla broke up with him.
Xander: Gee, and we'd all hoped those crazy kids would make it work.

Xander: If he's so drunk, he'll get sloppy, and then I'll make my move. As long as my move doesn't involve standing up or using my limbs we'll be okay.

Spike: This should be a kick.
Buffy: I violently dislike you.

Spike: Now that was fun. Don't tell me that wasn't fun.

Spike: Oh yea, you two. Just friends. No danger there.

Spike: I want Dru back, I just gotta be the man I was, the man she loved. I'm going to do what I should have done in the first place. I'll find her, wherever she is... tie her up, torture her until she likes me again. Love's a funny thing.

Smash: What Season 3 Would Have Been

Now that Smash is over (and yes, I will be posting my thoughts on the series finale, eventually), the series' showrunner, Josh Safran, has talked about what season 3 might have been if the series has been renewed. Click here to read the article.

I don't know how I would have felt about the show moving from the theatre to the characters making a movie musical. What I loved about Smash to begin with was it was about the theatre, a medium that I love. Yes, I love movies too, but there's nothing like live theatre.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: season 3, ep. 7, Quippy Quotes

In "Revelations," Faith meets her new watcher, Mrs. Post. Faith, of course, doesn't think she needs a watcher. And the new watcher wastes no time in taking complete control from the get-go. I have to say that just the mention of "The Council" has a way of making Giles feel like he is inadequate as a watcher. I hate to see him feel that way. After all, he is the watcher to a real slayer, not just sitting in a large mansion in England having retreats. All of the other watchers are so puffed up and egotistical, it just burns my purple peeps. I just want to slap Mrs. Post (and I'm not a violent person).

According to Mrs. Post, a demon named Lagos wants the Glove of Myhnegon, which is highly dangerous (and hidden in a tomb in one of Sunnydale's 12 cemeteries) and if it were to fall into the wrong hands (so to speak), the results could be extremely deadly. It's up to Buffy and Faith to make sure said demon does not obtain the Glove and most of all, that it does not put the Glove on his hand.

Quotes:

Willow: I think it's great when two people like two people and want to be close to them instead of anyone else.
Xander: Hear, hear!
Oz: Yea, well put.

Xander: Thank you! Thank you! We're here through Saturday. Enjoy the veal.

Cordelia:  When your last steady killed half the class, and then your rebound guy sends you a dump-o-gram? It makes a girl shy.

Xander: But we're the best of Buffy's bestest buds.

Buffy: Synchronized slaying.
Faith: New Olympic category?
Buffy: What do you think?

Faith: I'm telling you, I don't need a  new watcher. No offense, lady. I just have this problem with authority figures. They end up kind of dead.

Faith: Excuse me, Mary Poppins, you don't seem to be listening --

Mrs. Post: The Council wishes me to to report on the entire situation here, (to Giles) including you.
Buffy: Hmm, academic probation's not so funny today, huh, Giles?

Mrs. Post: The fact is, there is talk in the Council that you have become a bit too... American.
Giles: Me?
Buffy: Him?

Giles: What do you propose?
Mrs. Post: Well, if it's not too radical a suggestion, I thought we might kill him.

Giles: That was bracing.
Buffy: Interesting lady. Can we kill her?

Buffy: Big night for us slayer types. People to see... demons to kill.

Buffy: Some demon looking for some all-powerful thingamabob, and I gotta stop him before he unleashes unholy havoc, and it's another Tuesday night in Sunnydale.

Xander: Hey, you're not the watcher of me.

Faith: Ronnie, deadbeat. Kevin, klepto. Kenny... drummer. Eventually, I just had to face up to my destiny as a loser magnet.

Faith: You can't trust guys.
Buffy: You can trust some guys. Really. I've read about them.

Xander (to himself): Hey, Giles. Here's a really nifty idea. Why don't I alleviate my guilt by going out and getting myself really, really killed?

Angel: I think I have what you're looking for.
Buffy: Great. Just, wherever this was gift-wrapped, remind me not to shop there.
Angel: The Glove of Myhnegon.
Buffy: The world's ugliest fashion accessory.

Mrs. Post: The pictures are fun to look at, Mr. Giles, but one really ought to read the nice words as well.

Buffy: It's not what you think.
Xander: Hope not. Because I think you're harboring a vicious killer.
Willow: This isn't about attacking Buffy. Remember, "I" statements only. "I feel angry." "I feel worried."
Cordelia: Fine. Here's one. I feel worried... about me.

Buffy: What is this? Demons Anonymous?

Buffy: It was an accident.
Xander: What? You just tripped and fell on his lips?

Willow: Giles, no one's doing the "I" statements.

Mrs. Post: A word of advice? Vampires rarely knock. Especially in daylight.

Mrs. Post: So, this is your home?
Faith: Yea. The, uh, decorator actually just left.

Mrs. Post: Faith, do you know who the Spartans were?
Faith: Wild stab... a bunch of guys from Spart?

Mrs. Post: You will probably hate me a great deal of the time.
Faith: You think?

Buffy: So, on a scale of one to a million, how much are you hating me right now?
Willow: Zero. You were scared, you kept a secret, you know? It's okay. I mean, secrets aren't bad, you know. They're normal. Better than normal. They're good. Secrets are good. Must be a reason why we keep them, right?

Faith: I say I deal with this problem right now. I say I slay.
Xander: Can I come?

Giles (to Mrs. Post): I have the utmost respect for your methods... in my own American way.

Buffy (to Willow): Look, if you're feeling any demon-o-phobia, please... splitting is totally an option. You're not the one in trouble with Giles.
Willow: That's true.
Buffy: How long do you think he can stay mad at me, anyways?
Willow: The emotional Marathon Man?

Willow: Keeping secrets is a lot of work. One could hypothetically imagine.
Buffy: You have no idea.
Willow: None whatsoever.

Willow: You know, I always considered myself a good person. Floss, do my homework, never cheat. But lately - and please don't judge me on this - but I want you to be the first to know that, that... there's a demon behind you.

Buffy: Sorry about that. What were you saying?

Xander: Good old Sunnydale Library. Fully equipped with reference books, file cards, and weapons.
Faith: Beauty.
Xander: I call crossbow.
Faith: You got it.

Mrs. Post: That's what I love about this town. Everyone's so helpful.

Xander: You think we got it?
Willow: Well, it's either the catalyst for living flame or just some really smelly sand.

Oz: Sounds like we missed a lot of fun.
Xander: Then we're telling it wrong.

Xander (to Buffy): I trust you.
Cordelia: I don't. Just for the record.

Giles: They swear there was a memo.

Buffy: The place looks nice.
Faith: Yea. It's real Spartan.

Buffy: How are you?
Faith: Five by five.
Buffy: I'll interpret that as good.