My Favorite Movies: What's Up Doc

In the 1930s and 1940s, there were wonderful films called "screwball comedies." These films starred great comedic actresses such as Carole Lombard, Katherine Hepburn, Jean Arthur, Barbara Stanwyck, and Irene Dunne, and great leading men such as Clark Gable, Cary Grant, Gary Cooper, and Jimmy Stewart. The film most often called the first screwball comedy is It Happened One Night with Claudette Colbert and Clark Gable. It is one of the great film comedies, and one of the very few comedies to win the Academy Award for best picture.

Screwball comedies pretty much went out the Hays Code. However, there have been a few films since then that could be called a screwball comedy. My favorite of these is Peter Bogdanovich's, What's Up Doc from 1972. The film stars Barbra Streisand, Ryan O'Neal, and introduced the great comedienne, Madeline Kahn. It is one of the best comedies ever written, in my opinion. It has similarities to another great screwball comedy, Bringing Up Baby, with Katherine Hepburn and Cary Grant, and if you're going to borrow from another movie, then Bringing Up Baby is one of the best. It's just too bad that What's Up Doc doesn't have a leopard.

The film centers around four plaid overnight cases. One contains top secret documents, another contains igneous rocks, another expensive jewels, and the last - what is most commonly found in an overnight case: clothes and toiletries, and a very large text book. When the four cases are hidden, stolen, and mistaken for another in a San Francisco hotel, hilarity ensues in a heightened farcical manner.

If I were to include all of the great lines in the movie, I would pretty much be quoting the entire script, so I've decided to just post my favorites. (There are still a lot.) Some of the quotes may not seem very funny, but I've included them because either the situation in which they were said, or the delivery were hilarious. So, I would suggest you watch the movie to appreciate them, and to simply enjoy a classic screwball comedy.

Quotes:

Eunice: Howard! Howard Bannister! Howard, when I ask you to wait for me somewhere, I expect you to stay there until I come back.
Howard: Yes, Eunice.
Eunice: Now, it is difficult enough for me to have to see to all these arrangements myself.
Howard: Yes, Eunice.
Eunice: It is exactly six fifteen. If we reach the hotel in half an hour, we'll have just enough time for the banquet.
Howard: Yes, Eunice.
Eunice (to the porter): Put these things in a taxi.
Porter: Yes, Eunice.

Judy: They told me they'd be in room 1717 at the Hotel Crystal.
Fritz (the hotel concierge): This is the Bristol, madam, not the Crystal.
Judy: Then one of us must be in the wrong hotel.

Howard: Your bell is flat, half a tone off.

Judy: What's up, Doc?
Howard: I beg your pardon?
Judy: We've gotta stop meeting like this.
Howard: I think you're making a mistake. You see, I just came in here for something for a headache.
Judy: You're gonna need an awfully big glass of water to get that down.

Howard: I guess you're not really interested in igneous rock formations.
Judy: Not as much as I am in the metamorphic or sedimentary rock categories. I mean, I can take your igneous rocks or leave them. I relate primarily to micas, quartz, feldspar. You can keep your pyroxenes, magnetites, and coarse-grained plutonics as far as I'm concerned.
Howard: I forgot why I came in here.
Judy: Headache.
Howard: Oh, yes. Thank you and goodbye.

Judy: So, that's all I am to you? A mistake, a clerical error? Erase me, forget you even know my name.
Howard: I don't know your name.
Judy: Judy Maxwell.
Howard: How do you do?
Judy: How do you do?

Judy: Did you know that three percent of all fatal accidents happen in corner drugstores?

Judy: Eunice? That's a person named Eunice?

Judy: Steve, you didn't tell me you were married.
Howard: We're not married.
Judy: Congratulations!
Eunice: But we will be soon.
Judy: Condolences.

Eunice: Who is this person?
Howard: I haven't the vaguest idea. She was behind a rock in the drugstore.

Eunice: Don't you know the meaning of propriety?
Judy: Propriety. Noun. Conformity to established standards of behavior or manners; suitability, rightness or justness. See "etiquette."

Howard (knocks on door): Eunice. Eunice.
Eunice: Who's there?
Howard: It's me, Howard Bannister. Your fiance.

Judy: I don't know who he is, but I hate him.

Howard: I don't think of you as a woman, Eunice. I think of you as... as Eunice.

Eunice: As the years go by, romance fades and something else takes its place. Do you know what that is?
Howard: Senility.
Eunice: Trust.
Howard: That's what I meant.

Eunice: Tell me exactly what you're going to say to him.
Howard: What? Well, I'll probably say something like, "Hello there, Mr. Larrabee, I'm Howard."
Eunice: You are not.
Howard: I'm not Howard?
Eunice: You are not going to say, "Hi, my name is Howard." Anyone can say that. Anyone.
Howard: Anyone named Howard.

Eunice: Well, do your best. Be dignified.
Howard: I'll be dignified.
Eunice: Be solemn, but not stuffy.
Howard: I'll be solemn.
Eunice: Act friendly, but impersonal.
Howard: I'll be friendly.
Eunice: Pull the door open.
Howard: I'll pull the door open.

Waiter: You're upside down, sir.
Howard: I'm upside down.

Hugh: You're upside down.
Howard: I know.

Howard: You!
Judy? Eunice, Howard. Eunice. (to Mr. Larrabee) We've almost got that stammer cured.

Larrabee: You like Emerson?
Judy: I adore Emerson.
Larrabee: I adore anyone who adores Emerson.
Judy: And I adore anyone who adores anyone who adores Emerson. Your turn.

Howard: Help!

Judy: It so happens, Mr. Simon, that Howard had discussions with Leonard Bernstein about the possibility of conducting an avalanche in E flat.

Fritz: Get out of there, but don't let anyone see you.
Harry (the house detective): Roger.
Fritz: Fritz.

Howard: You have got to get out of here.
Judy: And miss all the good stuff that's coming?
Howard: She will be here any minute.
Judy: That's the good stuff that's coming.

Howard: I'm having a nightmare.

Hugh: I find that story as difficult to swallow as I do this potage au gelee.
Judy: How would you like to swallow one sandwich d'knuckles?

Howard: Don't you understand anything?
Judy: Like what?
Howard: Like Eunice.
Judy: Nope. I don't understand Eunice.

Judy: Steve, you don't want to marry Eunice.
Howard: I'm not Steve. I'm Howard.
Judy: Neither of you wants to marry Eunice.
Howard: Why do you say that?
Judy: You don't want to marry someone who's gonna get wrinkled and lined and flabby.
Howard: Everyone gets wrinkled, lined and flabby.
Judy: By next week?

Waiter: Charles, what kind of wine are you serving at table 1?

Fritz: What kind of house detective are you? You can't commit a simple burglary?
Harry: I'm ashamed.

Fritz: Snakes, as you know, live in mortal fear of... uh... tile.

Howard: You are not Burnsy. Burnsy is Burnsy. I mean, Eunice is Burnsy. I mean, she isn't Burnsy. Nobody is Burnsy.

Howard: You're just different.
Judy: Thank you. I know I'm different, but from now on I'm gonna try to be the same.
Howard: The same as what?
Judy: The same as people who aren't different.

Judy: I think you dropped something.

Howard: What do you think you're doing?
Judy: I think I'm taking a bath. Aren't I?

Howard: You are the last straw that breaks my camel's back. You are the plague. You bring havoc and chaos to everyone. But why to me? Why? Why? Why?
Judy: Because you look cute in your pajamas, Steve.

Howard: I can't seem to breath. Is it possible to break a lung?

Judy: No, no, no. I can't. I'm terrified of heights. I have acrophobia.
Howard: There's a ledge.
Judy: I have ledgeaphobia.

Howard: She has a violent temper.
Judy: I can't!
Howard: She studies karate.
Judy: Maybe I can.

Eunice: Howard, I'm going to count to five.
Howard: Don't count, Eunice. I hate it when you count.

Eunice: Since when have you taken bubble baths?
Howard: It came out of the faucet that way.

Eunice: Why are your rocks in the bathroom?
Howard: I don't know. I wish I did, but I don't.

Eunice: Howard, you are not being open with me.
Howard: I am being open with you, Eunice. I'm always open. [knock on the door] It's open.

Judy: Why, Miss Burns, what are you doing in Mr. Bannister's bedroom? Don't you know the meaning of propriety?

Howard: Come in, it's broken. I mean, it's open.

Hotel Manager: Mr. Bannister, I have a message from the staff of the hotel.
Howard: Really? What is it?
Hotel Manager: Goodbye.
Howard: That's the entire message?
Hotel Manager: We'd appreciate it if you would check out.
Howard: When?
Hotel Manager: Yesterday.
Howard: That soon?

Howard: My fiancee, Miss Sleep is still burning, and... Miss Burns is still sleeping.

Howard: What were you trying to become?
Judy: A graduate.

Judy: Something always seemed to go wrong.
Howard: Yes, I can believe that.
Judy: Well, this last time was not my fault.
Howard: What happened?
Judy: Nothing. Nothing really. It was just a little classroom. It sort of burned down.
Howard: Burned down?
Judy: Well, blew up, actually.
Howard: Political activism?
Judy: Chemistry major.

Howard (re: a letter): Did you open this?
Judy: How else could I read it?

Howard: Let me read you this letter. "Dear Howard," do you hear that? "Howard."
Eunice: That is your name.

Judy: Sure, what could go wrong?
Howard: Please, don't you say that.

Eunice (on the phone): Thank you, Miss...
Judy: Louise.
Eunice: I thought you said your name was Sylvia.
Judy: Yes, Sylvia-Louise. You know, with a hyphen.

Judy: Did anyone ever tell you that you were very sexy?
Hugh: Well, actually no.
Judy: They never will.

Hugh: I don't know who he is, but she is definitely not herself.

Hugh: Don't shoot me. I'm part Italian.

Larrabee: Don't you dare strike that brave, unbalanced woman.

Howard: What are you doing? This is a one-way street.
Judy: We're only going one way.

Judge: A foul and depraved-looking lot, Bailiff.
Bailiff: Those are just the spectators, Your Honor.

Bailiff: Is Your Honor feeling all right?
Judge: No, My Honor is not feeling all right.

Judge: You made me smash my lifesavers.

Judge: Order in the court!
Bailiff: Order in the court!
Judge: Everyone be quiet!
Bailiff: Everyone be quiet!
Judge: Silence!
Bailiff: Silence!
Judge: You too.
Bailiff: Me too.

Howard: The one who isn't my fiancee doesn't call me Howard, and the one who isn't my wife doesn't call me Howard. Because the one who isn't my fiancee also isn't my wife. The other one who isn't my wife, who is my fiancee, she doesn't call me Steve. She calls me Howard. Do you see?

Howard: Is that clear?
Judge: No, but it is consistent.

Howard: First, there was this trouble between me and Hugh.
Judge: You and me?
Howard: No, not you. Hugh.
Hugh: I am Hugh.
Judge: You are me?
Hugh: No, I am Hugh.
Judge: Stop saying that. Make him stop saying that.
[Policeman puts his hand on Hugh's shoulder]
Hugh: Don't touch me, I'm a doctor.
Judge: Of what?
Hugh: Music.
Judge: Can you fix a hi-fi?
Hugh: No, sir.
Judge: Then shut up!

Judy: I guess I owe you $20,000.
Howard: Don't be silly.
Judy: Listen, if I paid you off at $10 a week we'd be even in... um... 38 years and five and a half months.
Howard: You did that fast.
Judy: New math. Mount Holyoke.

Larrabee: C'est la vie.
Hugh: C'est la guerre.
Judy: C'est la dreck.

Larrabee: Simon, you're a plagiarist. And what's worse, you're a bad loser, and you're nasty. I don't like you, and I want you to go away.

Judy: There's a professor there whom I hope to study with. A brilliant man, Dr. Howard Bannister. No, Bannister, as in "sliding down the."

Howard: I'm sorry.
Judy: Let me tell you something. Love means never having to say you're sorry. [bats her eyelashes]
Howard: That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
(Side note: If you know why this is so funny, post a comment.)