Faerie Tale Theatre: Cinderella

Fairy tales are quite popular right now. On television we have Once Upon a Time and Grimm. On the big screen in the last few years we've had Snow White and the Huntsman, Mirror, Mirror, Jack and the Giant Slayer, Hansel and Gretel. Soon we will see a new version of Cinderella, with Cate Blanchett as the stepmother, and Maleficent with Angelina Jolie in the title role.

In the 1980s, Shelley Duvall produced Faerie Tale Theatre, which retold many of the popular fairy tales with big name stars and quite a lot of humor. There are a few standouts from the series, with Cinderella arguably being my favorite.

Cinderella stars Jennifer Beals, Matthew Broderick and Jean Stapleton, with Eve Arden playing possibly the best stepmother ever. The tale is full of lines that I still quote almost 30 years after seeing it for the first time. These are quotes that are not only funny because of the actually lines, but because of their delivery.

There are many small touches that make the story so memorable:

• The fairy godmother's wand is in her small handbag in sections and she screws the sections together to make the full wand
• Cinderella and her fairy godmother have to clean the inside of the pumpkin out before the fairy godmother changes it into a coach, otherwise there would be "gigantic seeds" inside the coach 
• Instead of saying magic words to perform her magic, the fairy godmother kisses her wand before pointing it at the thing she wants to change
• Arturo and his band of merry cellists
• Drunk Alfred hitting on Cinderella
• Henry waiting on the steps for Cinderella to come to the second ball, practicing his dance moves
• The ladies of the court who are trying on the slipper each have a number, like they're at an audition
• Bertha and Arlene try the slipper on different feet (Bertha - the right foot, Arlene - the left foot)

Side note: Anne Shirley from Anne of Green Gables would have loved the fairy godmother's and Cinderella's gowns. They have puffy sleeves to beat all puffy sleeves.

Quotes:

Stepmother: Well, enough gloom for one day.

Stepmother: We've got to pitch in and make the best of bad times. Cinderella, I think it would be lovely if you did all the cooking.
Cinderella: That's fine.
Stepmother: And my lovely daughters Arlene and Bertha, you won't do any cooking.
Arlene: I can handle that.

Cinderella: I don't mean to be rude, but isn't this arrangement just a bit lopsided?
Stepmother: Oh, well I'm not finished. Bertha, your duties will include bathing yourself, brushing your own hair, and maintaining an attractive appearance.
Bertha: See, I'm not complaining.
Stepmother: And Arlene, you'll be in charge of relaxing, wearing fashionable clothing, and occasionally answering the door.
Arlene: Oh, mother, I hate that door thing.
Stepmother: All right. Cinderella, you will answer the door. And I will be in charge of... being in charge.

[knock at the door]
Arlene: Cinderella! There's someone at the door.
[another knock at the door]
Bertha: Cindrella! Answer the door.
[another knock at the door - Arlene starts toward the door]
Arlene: Oh, I hate all this walking.

Cinderella: I try to be kind, but the nicer I am the worse you treat me.
Stepmother: The answer is very simple, my dear. You see, nature has been very kind to you. You've been blessed with incredible beauty, a sweet disposition, and a loving heart. These are qualities that are totally absent from myself and my daughters. Therefore, in order to balance the scales of nature, which have been unfairly tipped in your favor, it is only right that we should treat you like dirt.
Cinderella: Well, I'm not sure I agree with that logic.
Stepmother: Well, think of it as a good deed. You kiss up to us, we despise you, and everybody's happy.
Cinderella: But I'm not happy.
Stepmother: Splendid.

Royal Messenger: Good day. I am the appointed messenger to His Royal Highness, Prince Henry, heir to the throne, and son of King Rupert III.
Bertha: Come in. Please, come in!
Arlene: I'm wild about royal messengers, especially cute ones.
Bertha: Would you like something to drink? Perhaps some ham?

Royal Messenger: I cordially, that is he, Prince Henry, cordially invites you to attend his Autumn ball. The theme which will be... Autumn.
Bertha: Autumn! I love ---
Royal Messenger: The ball will include a scrumptious buffet, unlimited champagne, and dancing to the melodic sounds of Arturo and his band of merry cellists.

[Arlene is tightening up Bertha's corset]
Stepmother (to Arlene): Tighter. Tighter.
Bertha: But mother, I won't be able to breath.
Stepmother: Well, one night of suffocation isn't going to kill you.

Bertha: What will you be wearing to the ball, Cinderella?
Cinderella: Me? Well, I just assumed that I wasn't going.
Arlene: Well, of course you're going. We thought you knew that.
Cinderella: You mean I was invited to the royal ball?
[both girls break into fits of laughter]
Arlene: Are you crazy? Of course you're not going to the ball.
Bertha: Who'd want a filthy little nobody like you at an upwardly mobile bash like that?

Stepmother: Remember girls, don't act too smart. Men are intimidated by intelligent women.
Arlene: What do you mean intelligent?
Stepmother: Oh, never mind.

Stepmother: Now, remember, be kind, be gracious, be charming. And whatever you do, don't be yourselves.

Cinderella: Who are you?
Fairy Godmother: Honey, I'm your fairy godmother. Didn't you see me poof next to you?

Fairy Godmother: We're very selective about where and when we offer assistance. I mean, we can't just come popping in for every problem.

Cinderella: Why not?

Fairy Godmother: Well, it wouldn't be fair. Besides, solving your own problems is part of growing up. I just show up for special occasions.

Cinderella: You know, it's just I wish you were there when my stepsisters tied me to the banister.

Fairy Godmother: You gotta make that royalty stand up and salute and say, "who is that girl?"

Cinderella: Don't you have to say some magic words or something.

Fairy Godmother: Honey, I'm way beyond that.

Fairy Godmother (re: a mouse): Oh, speedy little critter. I can catch cockroaches better.

Fairy Godmother (after turning a rat into a coachman): You look better.

Fairy Godmother: You ready?

Cinderella: But I can't go looking like this.

Fairy Godmother: Of course you can. You'll be one of a kind. The only girl dressed in soot. (pause) Gotcha.

Cinderella: I like you. You make life fun.

Fairy Godmother: I love my work.

Prince Henry: Such a lovely dress.

[kisses her hand]

Girl: Oh, thank you. Thank you, Prince Henry.

Henry: For what?

Girl: For kissing my hand. I'll never wash it again, thank you.

Prince Henry (to royal messenger): I guess she liked it.

Stepmother: Don't you find my daughters fascinating?

Henry: Um... considering we've never met?

Bertha: Oh, I knew you'd like us. We can dance too.

Arlene: Yes, and you can dance with both of us at the same time.

Henry: Ooh, I think I hear my father, the King, calling.

Arturo: We gonna take a little break now, but we'll be right back real soon ladies and gentlemen, so don't go away.

Henry: Are you looking for someone? Boyfriend, right? I knew it.

Cinderella: Actually, I was looking for Prince Henry. Do you know him?

Henry: Yes. Yes, I know him quite well. He's, um, a charming young fellow. There he is. No, I don't see him just now. There he is. There he is. He's standing... next to you.

Henry: And you are?

Cinderella: I am very pleased to meet you.

Henry: I get tired of everybody knowing who I am wherever I go. But, of course, it's hard to remain anonymous when your face is on all the money.

Cinderella: It's a nice face.

Bertha: Ooh, what a gorgeous dress.

Arlene: Yea. How much did it cost?

Cinderella: Oh, it was just a little something I poofed together.

Henry: Poofed?

Cinderella: Put. Put together.

Henry: Disappear, Alfred.

Alfred: Okay.

[Alfred leaves]

Cinderella: That must be what's known as chivalry.

Cinderella: Oh, fairy godmother, I had the most wonderful time of my life.

Fairy Godmother: Well, don't just stand there swoonin'. Tell me all about it.
Cinderella: When I walked in, everyone stopped and stared at me. The Prince, he was so handsome. And he was by my side all night. And we danced, and we talked, and we had melon balls! And I really like the Prince a lot!

Fairy Godmother: The cake was already made. All I did was add the frosting.

Bertha: I'm going to have my hair done exactly like hers.
Arlene: Oh, yea, everyone knows the way to a prince's heart is through your hair.

King Rupert: Hi, son. How was the ball?
Henry: It was terrible, father.
Rupert: Oh, I know. I hate them too. About five, ten minutes of that chit chat, yakkety yak, and I'm gone. I go off to the kitchen, sniff a little brandy. Hey, you ever talk to that chef, Jacques? He is a heck of a nice guy.

Rupert: Let me tell you something about women, son. They're different from men.

Henry: I have to see her again.
Rupert: Well, she likes to come to fancy parties. So, throw another ball. Alert the press. Leak it to the town crier. Trust me, she'll come.

Henry: Leave up the decorations! Prepare the melon balls!

Rupert: I'll be in the kitchen.

Fairy Godmother: We'll try the three-in-one method.
Cinderella: Will it work?
Fairy Godmother: If it don't explode.

Fairy Godmother: Goodbye! Don't do anything I wouldn't do, and if you do... Well, just don't. Crazy kids.

Rupert: Well, aren't you going to introduce me?
Henry (keeps dancing): We're dancing, father.
Rupert: So. I'm the King. Come on, introduce me.
Cinderella: Hello. I've heard so much about you.
Henry: Can you wait until later, please?
Rupert: You don't need to get huffy.

Cinderella: Henry, since you're more experienced in these matters, maybe you can tell me why we feel so comfortable together.
Henry: Sure, that's easy. (pause) I have no idea.

Cinderella: Do you know anything about kissing?
Henry: Yes. I'm almost certain it has something to do with the lips.

[they kiss]
Henry: Mmm. One more time?
Cinderella: So soon?
Henry: Live dangerously.

[Henry sees Cinderella's slipper]
Henry: Hello?
Royal Messenger: That's not mine.
Henry: I know. It's hers.

Henry: I just wish I knew her name.
Rupert: You still don't know her name? What have you been calling her? "Hey you"?

Rupert: That's it. You issue a proclamation. You say, "Whatsoevereth slippereth..." Say, "Whomsoever that this..." Say that you will marry the girl who's foot fits this glass slipper.
Henry: Yes! That's a terrific idea!
Rupert: Well, of course. That's why I'm King.

Royal Messenger: My feet are killing me.
Henry: Their feet are killing me. If I see one more fallen arch, I'll scream.

Royal Messenger: Guess who.
Bertha: Well, hello Prince Henry. What a surprise.
Henry: I'll bet.

Stepmother: It's just Cinderella. She's nothing but a nothing.
Henry: Madam, it takes one, as they say, to know one.

Arlene: Oh, Cinderella! Why are you making all this trouble?

Cinderella: Thank you. I was looking for that shoe everywhere.
[she pulls the other shoe out of her pocket]
Bertha: She cheated!

Fairy Godmother: I've been wanting to do that for a long time!

Henry: Pardon me for asking. Who is that magic woman?

Fairy Godmother: Not only handsome, but smart.

Fairy Godmother: And they lived happily ever after.
Narrator: And who would know better than a fairy godmother?