There is a very funny exchange* between Tom and the man who is taking their phone away (Phones are not essential to people who are self-sufficient, and remember this is the day of home phone lines only. The cell phone wasn't even thought of then.). Tom is trying to figure out how to scare the birds away from his garden, and he asks the phone man his advice. The phone man misunderstands Tom because Tom asks him to imagine he's a bird. Tom means "bird" as in an animal with feathers and wings. The phone man thinks he means "bird" as in the British slang for "girl."
Quotes:
Sam: What are you doing?
Tom: Have you heard of self-sufficiency?
Sam: Yea.
Tom: Well, I'm "self," and she's "sufficiency."
Tom: I'll have to do something about [the birds eating the seedlings], you know. Get a bird-scarer, or something. I don't know, or cellophane their beaks together.
Tom: Do you like it?
Barbara: Yes. I've always wanted a couple of tons of rusty old iron in the kitchen.
Barbara: This must be the oven. Yeech.
Tom: No, no. Lovely. Genuine Victorian dripping.
Barbara: Including the Victorian dripping, how much did we pay for this?
Tom: Your hair dryer and the toaster.
Barbara: Oh, thank you very much.
Tom: No. No electricity.
Barbara: No.
Tom: If you want to dry your hair, stick it in there. And for toast, this is the way of making toast.
Barbara: Will you be swapping your electric razor for something soon?
Tom: I expect so, why?
Barbara: I mean, this thing is so versatile, I want to see how you're going to shave with it.
Tom: I've got to invent something to scare [the birds] off. Of course! The old Chinese idea.
Barbara: Kung Fu?
Tom: Carry on.
Barbara: Gosh. Thanks, Tom.
*Tom: Now, imagine you're a bird.
Phone man: Okay.
Tom: Right. Now. You are in my garden.
Phone man: Am I sitting down or walking about?
Tom: Either. [pronounces it "eye-ther]
Phone: Either. [pronounces it "ee-ther]
Tom: Either. [pronounces it "ee-ther] Now, unbeknown to you, I have rigged a series of tripwires. You hit one with your leg.
Phone man: Not if I'm sitting down.
Tom: Well be walking about, then. It's the principle I'm trying to establish, you see. It's the principle.
Phone man: Oh, sorry. I'm walking about about your garden and I bang into one of your tripwires.
Tom: Right. This sets off the play button of a tape recorder.
Phone man: Oh, yes?
Tom: Yes. All of a sudden, as loud as you can imagine, you get this big Count Basie number.
Phone man: Do I?
Tom: Yes. Now, the point is - would that frighten you?
Phone man: No.
Tom: Why not?
Phone man: I like Count Basie.
Tom: You're a bird. Remember?
Phone man: I don't see why a bird should be frightened of Count Basie.
Tom: Let's get back to basics. What do you think is the best way to scare birds?
Phone man: Flashing on the Common, I suppose.
Margo (at Tom's front door): Hello, Tom. It's Margo.
Tom: Yes, it is you. Yes.
Margo (to the phone man, who is leaving with the phone): GPO [General Post Office], I see.
Phone man: Me? No ma'am. I'm an eccentric millionaire. I get so many phone calls, I have to carry the phone around with me.
Margo: So, you've had to let the phone go. Are things that bad?
Tom: No. It's just not essential.
Margo: Not essential? But, say I wanted to phone you up?
Tom: Damn. I hadn't thought of that.
Margo: No.
Tom: I suppose you'll just have to walk all the way around from next door and speak to us in person.
Margo: Would you tell Barbara it's Margo, please Tom?
Tom (as Barbara walks into the room): Barbara. That's Margo over there.
Margo: Barbara, what have you been doing to yourself?
Barbara: Oh, it's rust. I've been suffering from it for years.
Margo: Well, let me show you what I've got.
Tom: Woodworm?
[Margo shows Barbara a dress she just bought.]
Barbara: Oh, that's nice.
Margo: Yes, well that's what I thought when I bought it. But I'm afraid it was a terrible mistake.
Barbara: Laclerq. Jolly expensive mistake.
Margo: Well, that's not important. The point is, Barbara, I got it home, I put it on, and I said to my self, "Margo, that simply looks cheap and nasty." So I wondered if you would like it.
Barbara: You are the mistress of the unfortunate phrase.
Margo: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean... Look, I simply thought of you because, well, I'd only thrown it away and... I know how difficult things are. I mean, I saw the telephone being taken away.
Barbara: Well, that's all right. I haven't worn a telephone for years.
Barbara (re: the dress): I told you, I don't want that thing.
Tom: It's not for you.
Barbara: Well, then who's it for?
Tom: I want it.
Barbara: Why?
Tom: You'll see.
Barbara: You'll look cheap and nasty in it.
Margo: Tom, either you take down my dress, or I shall call the police. And I'm aware that didn't come out right, but you know what I mean.
Tom: If you mean this life makes me happy, then yes it does, and I thought it made you happy.
Barbara: Well, it doesn't today. I mean, it did yesterday, and it probably will tomorrow, but it just doesn't today.
Tom: Well, surely there's a joy in everything we do now.
Barbara: What? Scraping half a ton of rust off that thing?
Tom: Well, yes. Even that. I mean even the grotty jobs I find enjoyable.
Barbara: Oh, yes. Digging up that tree stump?
Tom: Yes. I mean, I'm not saying it was easy, but there a joy in it. Albeit a savage, primeval joy.
Barbara: You lying hound. You chuck the pick ax at the goat.
Jerry (to Barbara): Marriage must be a fair division of labor.
Margo: Like ours.
Jerry: No, no. Not exactly like ours. I was thinking more 50-50.
Margo: Meaning what, Jerry?
Jerry: Meaning not 80-20.
Margo: I would hardly call keeping this house in immaculate condition a mere 20%.
Jerry: You don't. Mrs. Pearson comes in five times a week.
Margo: Well, there is the garden.
Jerry: Oh, no. Mr. Pearson comes in three times a week.
Margo: I pick and arrange all of my own flowers, Jerry.
Jerry: I bet you wouldn't do that if the Pearsons had a daughter who did flower arranging.
Margo: I don't know what has prompted this poisonous outburst, Jerry. But since we are dragging skeletons from under the bed.
Jerry: Oh, get your metaphors right, please! Skeletons come out of a cupboard.
Margo: Well, thank you very much for correcting me in front of guests. I really must apologize for Jerry, Barbara. I--
Jerry: She's gone.
Margo: Well. The manners of some people.
Jerry: How extremely rude.
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